The Superhero App

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Betty Blueblood was just leaving Shuffle, a hot new nightclub on the East side of San Antonio, when two men jumped out of the bushes and forced her to the ground. She grabbed for her phone and pressed the “Swoop” app.

Oswald Pumpernickel a meek, unassuming bag boy at a local health food store had just returned home to his crummy studio apartment, when his phone played the “Star Wars” ring tone. He took a deep breath and hit the button that said accept. He donned his leotard and cape and drank one of the small bottles of liquid that the Swoop service had issued him. He crouched down his windowsill and jumped out.
Just outside of San Antonio, two serial rapists were driving down the street with their latest victim in the trunk of a Toyota Camry. They looked up at the sky to see a skinny young man flying towards them. He landed on the hood of their car and they both got out and began to run away in different directions. Oswald held his breath and extend his arms until they were long enough to catch the two men. he banged their heads against the pavement and place them in the backseat of the car.
Oswald took the key out of the ignition and opened the trunk. He saw a plain looking blonde woman, who appeared to be in her 40’s who had been tied up and gagged. He took the gag out of her mouth.
“Betty?”
“No, it’s Claudia.”
“What? Oh shit,” Oswald exclaimed. “This stupid GPS! Just one second,” he said to the woman.
Oswald called into his supervisor who was known to him only as,” The Web.”
“Yeah, this is The Web, what can I do ya for?”
“Um, yeah, this is Os….The Slender Avenger and um, I accidently went to the wrong rescue. I was just wondering what to do.”
“Oh no. How did that happen?”
“I was just doing what the GPS told me to do.” He went on to explain how he had caught the men and found the woman in the trunk.
“Okay, okay. Ask Claudia the name of the hero she was expecting.”
Oswald looked in the trunk. “Um, ma’am what was the name of the hero you were expecting?”
“What, what do you mean?”
“On your app… The Swoop app. Do you have your cell? If I could just look at your phone?”
“What are you talking about? What app? My phone is off today, because I didn’t get a chance to pay the bill.”
“One Sec,” Oswald said. “She doesn’t even have the app,” he said into the phone.”
“Great,” The Web said.
“Why don’t I just untie her, call the police and go to the next job. The two guys who had her in the trunk are in the front seat and they are out cold. They should be knocked out till the police get here.”
“No, don’t do that. If she’s not signed up with the service, we can’t be liable for her in any way.”
“Then what should I do?”
“Um, you didn’t call the police yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Leave her.” The Web said.
“What?”
“Just leave her.”
“The cars in the middle of the street. “
“Stick the gag back in her mouth, close the trunk. Drive the car to the side of the road and if the guys come to, I guarantee you they won’t tell anyone about this.”
“But, what about the woman, I mean she could die.”
“That’s not our problem; she’s not on the app. Our customer is on the app and is paying $3000 per rescue, so hurry.”
Oswald went over to the car and stuffed the gag back int the woman’s mouth.
“Sorry,” he said with a shrug.
“Mmmm, Mmmm.” The woman exclaimed.
He shrugged his shoulders and closed the trunk. He got into the driver’s seat and pulled off to a side street. He swallowed another vile of liquid and flew off to a dark side street where he saw two men dragging a woman towards a van.
He landed in front of them punching them both in the face and pounded them in the head until they fell to the ground.
“Are you Betty,” he asked the girl.
“Yes, are you The Slender Avenger?
“Yes.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but it said two minutes it’s been seven. I was kicking and biting and rolling around forever.”
“I’m sorry, my GPS was messing up. Let me just call the police.”
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. Oswald called 911 and told them that there were two men, knocked unconscious on the street.
“That’s it,” she asked. “We’re not going to file a report?”
“It’s a security thing, “he said, noticing that Betty was not so unattractive. “It’s a secret app. We can’t get involved with the police. Look, I feel bad. Would you like me to fly you somewhere?”
“No thanks,” My cars right over there. Goodnight.”
She got in her car and drove away. Oswald rated her a five, hoping that she would give him at least a four.
The phone played the Star Wars ringtone. He looked down to see there was a damsel in distress on Rivas Street. He hit ignore and caught the bus home.

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