The Boyfriend Experience

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Even if you don’t have a boyfriend you can still celebrate Valentine’s Day. Here are a few simple things you can do to fill that empty void that you thought could only be filled by a man.

1. Talk to yourself and ignore every thing you are saying. After a few minutes start playing with your breasts!
2. Drink a whole bunch of cheap beer and get under the covers and let her rip!
3. Fall asleep while masturbating.
4. THe next time you are in a public bathroom looking in a mirror stop and look at the younger thinner women.
5. Forget your birthday.
6. Force yourself to watch an action movie and don’t let yourself think it’s stupid.
7. Slap yourself around a little bit.
8. Take yourself out to dinner and talk about how much better it is than your own cooking.
9. Take a nice hot bath and get out of it after five minutes to make popcorn. Get back in the tub and get out after another three minutes to answer the phone. Get back in the tub and get out again to answer the door. Get back in the tub and start to cry because the water is cold.
10. Go down to the bus station and find the slowest, saddest mental deficient you can find and convince him that he is a genius.

Take my Valentine, Please!

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Are you alone on Valentine’s Day? Do you want to smash the TV every time a Hallmark commercial comes on? Do you feel your loneliness being polarized whenever you walk by a jewelry story? Are you dreading Thursday when your office will be filled with more flowers and teddy bears than a traffic accident memorial site?
I want to say I can relate, but quite honestly, I can’t. In spite of corporate America’s best efforts I can’t help but feel sorry for married women, or even those with boyfriends. When you really think about it being alone had more benefits than being in a couple.

1. You don’t have to stroke it.
I mean his ego of course. I have found this to be particularly exhausting. I once had a boyfriend who liked Ross Perot and said “if he could run a business like Texas Instruments he could certainly teach the country a thing or two about the economy.” I bit my tongue and suppressed the urge to say that Ross Perot did not run Texas Instruments and that running a business is ridiculous analogy for running the country. Are the citizens the employees, the customers or the shareholders? What is it we sell exactly, except for unattainable dreams and fried cheese? I resisted the urge to say that Perot was just a crazed, senile megalomaniac who had too much money for his own good.
Another time a boyfriend took up the trumpet! The Goddamn trumpet! He thought he was the next Miles Davis. It sounded like the endless fart of an elephant. I told him he was improving when I secretly wanted to have the stupid thing meet with an unfortunate accident.

2. You can eat the whole box!
Come On ladies, you know what I’m talking about perfectly well. You know you’ve run out to the drug store before your beloved got home to buy replacement chocolates for the ones you wolfed down while he was out. You don’t have to do this now. Head down to Sees and get the biggest box of chocolates you can find. The girls and the counter will assume it’s for your boyfriend and what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
3. You can eat anything you want and you don’t have to worry about the consequences.
Does pizza make you bloaty? Do pancakes add ten pounds with every bite? Does your favorite Mexican restaurant leave you in good condition to generate power for a small city? Who cares? Pajama pants are very forgiving. You’ll never have to blame it on the dog if the only one around is the dog!

4. You don’t have to remember any lies.
Remember when he was dumb enough to believe you were a cheerleader? It was so ridiculous that even you didn’t bother to remember it. Remember when you wanted him to think you were sophisticated, so you told him you liked classical music and then he looked suspicious when you Rachmaninov was a kind of vodka? Did you say you were “going somewhere”, pretend to get there, get bored or fall asleep while you were waiting for him to arrive and then make believe you were going there again? You have nothing to remember if you have no one to lie to . What’s that you say? You could always just be honest with the guy in the first place? Hogwash! Americans can’t handle the truth; watch TV and tell me I’m wrong.