I left the Egyptian Theater after seeing Rear Window feeling incredibly depressed. During the film it occurred to me that no matter what, I would never ,ever look like Grace Kelly. It also occurred to me that I would never be as talented as Alfred Hitchcock, but mostly it was the Grace Kelly thing. I stopped for a slice of pizza and a beer when I noticed a fortune teller across the street. I really didn’t believe in such things , but it’s not like reality was offering me anything to look forward to, so I headed over to see if she could bullshit me into enough of a happiness coma to get me though another two weeks of selling snake oil to the elderly at my crummy telemarketing job.
I walked over to the shop and went inside. A small dog greeted me as I entered. I sat and waited in the reception area which consisted of a single fold out chair and a small round table with magazines on it. After a moment a dark haired woman, who seemed to have forgotten to wax her mustache came out and greeted me. She led me to a small back room.
“You have nice eyes,” she said attempting to butter me up.
“Thank you,” I said unmoved.
“So what brings you to me?”
“Shouldn’t you know?
“Don’t be a smart ass,” she said.
“Very well,” I said. “I want to know if my life will ever get any better or if I’m ever going to have a reason to live.”
“No.” she said
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean no, that’ll be fifty bucks, “she said.
“You want me to give you fifty bucks for that; are you insane?”
“You asked a question I answered it.”
“Based on what,” I asked indignantly.
“Based on this whole thing you’ve got going on.”
“What whole thing?”
“You plain and pale, you’re old and you have a big nose and you go to old movies and psychics by yourself on a Saturday night.”
“But, I mean …. I mean aren’t you supposed to give me like false hope or something?”
“You seem to be someone who thinks of yourself as to smart to fall for that shit. If I told you’d just talk smack on Facebook and I’m not your human kicking post.”
“So then, according to you I might as well just go home and slit my wrists,” is that correct?”
“Well, you could always just concentrate on revenge. You could make everyone whose ever treated you unfairly suffer.”
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“I have some potions that…”
“Oh no you don’t.”
“If you don’t want potion you could try the internet to get revenge. A fake Facebook profile? Maybe you should fine Jesus?
“Maybe you should asshole,” I said turning to leave.
“Where’s my fifty buck,” she asked.
“Sue me! I said walking out.
All of a sudden I couldn’t move. I was frozen with one foot out the door of the shop. The gypsy came and picked me up. She kept me in the shop for several weeks using me as a conversation piece and a coat rack. I was eventually sold to an antique collector from San Francisco. He had me shellacked and I currently on display in his dining room. I am called “loser on a stick as I am standing on a giant stationary parrot swing.
The collectors are all very fascinated by a sculpture that can talk. I like it here, much better than the call center I had been working in in LA. I am feed very good food several time a day and when they want to exercise me they take me to the park and spin me around on the merry-go-round. The maid washes me every few days and when I can persuade her two she gives me wine or pot brownies.
I’m not sure where everyone thinks I went, although I bet my landlord is upset. I bet they were happy at the call center. I’m not sure if this curse will ever wear off; I’m not even sure I want it too.