The Superhero App

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Betty Blueblood was just leaving Shuffle, a hot new nightclub on the East side of San Antonio, when two men jumped out of the bushes and forced her to the ground. She grabbed for her phone and pressed the “Swoop” app.

Oswald Pumpernickel a meek, unassuming bag boy at a local health food store had just returned home to his crummy studio apartment, when his phone played the “Star Wars” ring tone. He took a deep breath and hit the button that said accept. He donned his leotard and cape and drank one of the small bottles of liquid that the Swoop service had issued him. He crouched down his windowsill and jumped out.
Just outside of San Antonio, two serial rapists were driving down the street with their latest victim in the trunk of a Toyota Camry. They looked up at the sky to see a skinny young man flying towards them. He landed on the hood of their car and they both got out and began to run away in different directions. Oswald held his breath and extend his arms until they were long enough to catch the two men. he banged their heads against the pavement and place them in the backseat of the car.
Oswald took the key out of the ignition and opened the trunk. He saw a plain looking blonde woman, who appeared to be in her 40’s who had been tied up and gagged. He took the gag out of her mouth.
“Betty?”
“No, it’s Claudia.”
“What? Oh shit,” Oswald exclaimed. “This stupid GPS! Just one second,” he said to the woman.
Oswald called into his supervisor who was known to him only as,” The Web.”
“Yeah, this is The Web, what can I do ya for?”
“Um, yeah, this is Os….The Slender Avenger and um, I accidently went to the wrong rescue. I was just wondering what to do.”
“Oh no. How did that happen?”
“I was just doing what the GPS told me to do.” He went on to explain how he had caught the men and found the woman in the trunk.
“Okay, okay. Ask Claudia the name of the hero she was expecting.”
Oswald looked in the trunk. “Um, ma’am what was the name of the hero you were expecting?”
“What, what do you mean?”
“On your app… The Swoop app. Do you have your cell? If I could just look at your phone?”
“What are you talking about? What app? My phone is off today, because I didn’t get a chance to pay the bill.”
“One Sec,” Oswald said. “She doesn’t even have the app,” he said into the phone.”
“Great,” The Web said.
“Why don’t I just untie her, call the police and go to the next job. The two guys who had her in the trunk are in the front seat and they are out cold. They should be knocked out till the police get here.”
“No, don’t do that. If she’s not signed up with the service, we can’t be liable for her in any way.”
“Then what should I do?”
“Um, you didn’t call the police yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Leave her.” The Web said.
“What?”
“Just leave her.”
“The cars in the middle of the street. “
“Stick the gag back in her mouth, close the trunk. Drive the car to the side of the road and if the guys come to, I guarantee you they won’t tell anyone about this.”
“But, what about the woman, I mean she could die.”
“That’s not our problem; she’s not on the app. Our customer is on the app and is paying $3000 per rescue, so hurry.”
Oswald went over to the car and stuffed the gag back int the woman’s mouth.
“Sorry,” he said with a shrug.
“Mmmm, Mmmm.” The woman exclaimed.
He shrugged his shoulders and closed the trunk. He got into the driver’s seat and pulled off to a side street. He swallowed another vile of liquid and flew off to a dark side street where he saw two men dragging a woman towards a van.
He landed in front of them punching them both in the face and pounded them in the head until they fell to the ground.
“Are you Betty,” he asked the girl.
“Yes, are you The Slender Avenger?
“Yes.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but it said two minutes it’s been seven. I was kicking and biting and rolling around forever.”
“I’m sorry, my GPS was messing up. Let me just call the police.”
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. Oswald called 911 and told them that there were two men, knocked unconscious on the street.
“That’s it,” she asked. “We’re not going to file a report?”
“It’s a security thing, “he said, noticing that Betty was not so unattractive. “It’s a secret app. We can’t get involved with the police. Look, I feel bad. Would you like me to fly you somewhere?”
“No thanks,” My cars right over there. Goodnight.”
She got in her car and drove away. Oswald rated her a five, hoping that she would give him at least a four.
The phone played the Star Wars ringtone. He looked down to see there was a damsel in distress on Rivas Street. He hit ignore and caught the bus home.

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5000 Facebook Fans

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You have been blogging for five years to little avail. Your blog, “whatamIdoinghere.com” deals with your frustrations working as a high colonic technician. Your writing is witty and insightful you have tried to stay relevant by using the Urban Dictionary as a thesaurus. Your mom and your sister love your blog, but somehow it escaped the attention of the general public. Perhaps it is host sight you chose, you had seen so many less talented people become more successful than you. In five years you have had about a thousand hits and fifty followers. You have written a post a day, you deserve more.

You have always been hesitant to buy Facebook fans, but you are getting desperate. If people just knew about your blog you could get a book deal and quit your shit job. You have been through hell. You have overcome depression, you have had to eat ramen on numerous occasions and you once had a roommate that who constantly berated you.

You figure it is worth a try.  Although people may know that the fans are fake, it might at least get them to go to your blog and have a look and once they do that, they will be hooked. Your mom says you are brave for sharing your life with others. Just last week your friend Jennifer said you were amazing and beautiful, didn’t everyone deserve to be amazed?

You go to a website that sells Facebook followers and retweets and you order 5000 Facebook fans. You write that night’s blog post and head to bed. The next day you get up at 6:00 am and head to work. After a long hard day of vacuuming out some really rancid buttholes, you come home to find a small crowd gathered around your house. As you approach you see that they are starring in wonder at your lawn. You get closer to see that there are oscillating fans all over your lawn, they appear to be battery powered and they are spinning at an astonishing rate.

You push past your neighbors to find your mother in the kitchen, curled up on the floor in a fetal position, crying her eyes out. There are fans everywhere. You got to your computer to see that fans are leaping out of your computer one after the other at a bewildering pace.

You go back to the kitchen and pull your mother to her feet. You locate her car keys as a fan flies towards your head. You run out of the house and to the car. A cop stops you on the way.

“Excuse me ma’am. Are these your fans? He holds up one of the fans and gets it to stop spinning with a stick. You see the word, Facebook written on each one of the blades. A fan hits you in the ass, cutting you. The neighbors begin to run away screaming as more fans fly from the house.

“I’ve never seen these fans before,” you say as you and your mother get into the car.

“Ma’am did you buy these Facebook fans?”

“No,” you scream as you start the car.

“Ma’am, I need to talk to you,” she cop says as you drive away. In the rearview mirror you see that his throat has been cut by a blade in a ghastly scene.

You speed towards the expressway followed by the fans which are hurdling after you. You manage to lose them. You drive to a gas station where you fill up the car and get coffee.

You get into the car and drive to a motel were you rent a room and turn on the news. A pretty blonde reporter reads your story.

“This bizarre story comes out of Denver, Colorado tonight. A computer in a house on Ogden Street began spitting out thousands of battery operated oscillating fans. The fans, which had, “Facebook” written on the blades, are now flying around the city causing injury and even death. The Washington Park neighborhood has been evacuated and the FBI is investigating the case.  Tonight via satellite we are joined by Thomas Pinner who works with Strange Phenomenon Investigations in Scotland.

“Hello, Dr. Pinner.”

“Hello, Tracy”

“Dr. Pinner, what could be casing this strange occurrence?”

“Well, Tracy there are several different thing that could cause it. It might be that someone ordered the fans, but did not select the appropriate method of delivery. It might be that someone ordered Facebook fans, with fans meaning fanatics and the software system simply misinterpreted the order.”

“Thank you Dr. Pinner,” The reporter said.

“No matter what caused the phenomenon, this event has taken a horrible toll on our city. School is canceled tomorrow, there will be no public transportation and the highways will be patrolled. The National Guard has been called out with orders to shoot the fans on sight.”

You order a pizza and explain what happened to your mother. She hugs you and tells you it is okay, you did nothing wrong, you are amazing. You smile to yourself, because you finally know it’s true.