The Complaint Part 3


“I think I have a coupon for facial scrub,” the officer continued. If I go to the market that’s near the Vietnamese restaurant I can get Vietnamese food for dinner. We went into the Vietnam war due to our alliance with France:
Ellen turned to Mr. Kaden who was taking notes on a long note pad. He threw the note pad down and kissed her, gently running his hands down her breast and waist as he did so.
“Mr. Kaden, what are you doing,” She asked as he dropped to his knees.
“Isn’t this what you wanted,” he asked confused.
“Well, yes at one time, but not now; I mean there has been a mass shooting. Don’t you want to call your daughter?”
“They won’t let you use your phone.” He stood up and pointed in the direction of the cops. “If you so much as take out your phone or reach into your pocket for any reason, you’ll be shot.”
Ellen looked in the direction of the police. She noticed that they seemed to be getting smaller with every passing second. By the time she turned back to Mr. Kaden they were almost microscopic.
“Are those policemen getting smaller,” she asked.
“Yes,” Mr. Kaden answered between large, sloppy bites of pretzel. “There have been a lot of budget cuts this year. They had to reduce staffing.”
“But I mean doesn’t that usually mean they would just fire people”
“Oh, this is a new way of handling it. They just medicate them until they shrink down to a manageable size.”
“Don’t their families mind?”
“Oh they shrink them down as well. At first they were only providing minimizing for the officers themselves,: Mr. Kaden said mater-o-factly, “but then there was a lawsuit in Texas; some lady stepped on her husband.”
Ellen though this was actually quite a clever idea. Certainly, the police would have a better chance of sneaking up on someone and catching them in a criminal act if they were only a few inches tall.
“The killer is somewhere in this room”, the officer at the podium exclaimed. Everyone gasped and looked around.


The Reality show in Tad’s Head – Part 4


Caroline considered what Director had said. She decided  he was right; there had to be a way of editing his memories in a way that would show him he would lose something he wanted because of the way he treated her.

“ Okay”,  Director said he just got into bed and if you look through the eyes there you can see he’s watching Letterman. He should drop off to sleep soon. Let’s start making our way to the frontal lobe.

The men began climbing towards the upper skull Caroline walked forward a bit. It had been quite a while since she’d been in this room, It looked like Tad had gotten a new TV and a new bedspread. Her stomach churned. Men purchased new linen for one reason. She figured that he probably hadn’t been celibate for the last year and a half, but it was different to see direct evidence right in her face. She found herself walking closer and closer to the lens.

Suddenly, she was thrown of her feet.  She rolled violently into the iris. (Although she didn’t know it this would cause Tad’s eyes to turn an even deeper blue than they already were.)

She saw a giant fist coming towards her. She screamed, but then realized he was simply rubbing his eyes.

“Caroline,” where are you”, she heard Editor calling.  She realized she had gotten turned around, she looked left and right, she realized she was lost in his eyes. She finally found her way back to the optic disc. Se shimmied up to the frontal lobe to join the others.

“I think we’ve located the memory bands, Caroline “Director said. We’ve set up dolly tracks, get on the dolly and will push you back into his first memory of you. Just tell cameraman where you want to stop. We can insert your version of the memory at any point just mark off the places you want your memory to go”, he said handing her a pen.

Caroline climbed on the dolly and began her journey deep into Tad’s memory. Cameraman, who was doubling as a grip, pushed the dolly.

“I tell union about this I am camera man for 14 years. An also want craft services”, He said as he huffed and puffed.

Caroline saw the last year and a half of Tad’s life whipping past her in reverse every meal he’d eaten every day at work, every song he’d listened to flew past her so quickly that it looked like an enormous blur. The months were labeled with large letters on the side of the frontal lobe.

She arrived at February of 2009; her heart stopped for a moment as camera man slowed down until he arrived at February 20th 8:00 PM.

Tad was standing in the bathroom brushing his teeth He was naked and was inspecting himself as he brushed.  Whole Lotta Love played lightly in the background and he did a few dances moves to it in the mirror.. He watched TV for about an hour and then he headed out the door.  He arrived at Jonathan Mencher’s birthday which was being held at a club downtown at 9:30. He had a  few drinks and sat at the bar talking to Jonathan and his girlfriend about a movie they’d seen. A dark haired woman in a white dress entered the room. Tad could not take his eyes off her. His gaze traveled the length of her body down her soft supple breasts to her long well-toned legs. He imagined walking across the room and kissing her.

Caroline’s closed her eyes. Who was that woman? She didn’t even remember her being at the party that night.

“Camera man can you pull me forward just like an hour?” Caroline said.

“On break”, camera man said.

She opened her eyes to find Tad’s fantasy had progressed to full blown sex. He had envisioned taking the woman on the bar room floor. When the fantasy was over he began walking toward the woman. Before he could get to her a man came up to her and kissed her. Tad looked down at his shoes. When he looked up he noticed Caroline Entering the bar and handing a present to Jonathan. He caught her looking at him several times in the next hour.

Take my Valentine, Please!


Are you alone on Valentine’s Day? Do you want to smash the TV every time a Hallmark commercial comes on? Do you feel your loneliness being polarized whenever you walk by a jewelry story? Are you dreading Thursday when your office will be filled with more flowers and teddy bears than a traffic accident memorial site?
I want to say I can relate, but quite honestly, I can’t. In spite of corporate America’s best efforts I can’t help but feel sorry for married women, or even those with boyfriends. When you really think about it being alone had more benefits than being in a couple.

1. You don’t have to stroke it.
I mean his ego of course. I have found this to be particularly exhausting. I once had a boyfriend who liked Ross Perot and said “if he could run a business like Texas Instruments he could certainly teach the country a thing or two about the economy.” I bit my tongue and suppressed the urge to say that Ross Perot did not run Texas Instruments and that running a business is ridiculous analogy for running the country. Are the citizens the employees, the customers or the shareholders? What is it we sell exactly, except for unattainable dreams and fried cheese? I resisted the urge to say that Perot was just a crazed, senile megalomaniac who had too much money for his own good.
Another time a boyfriend took up the trumpet! The Goddamn trumpet! He thought he was the next Miles Davis. It sounded like the endless fart of an elephant. I told him he was improving when I secretly wanted to have the stupid thing meet with an unfortunate accident.

2. You can eat the whole box!
Come On ladies, you know what I’m talking about perfectly well. You know you’ve run out to the drug store before your beloved got home to buy replacement chocolates for the ones you wolfed down while he was out. You don’t have to do this now. Head down to Sees and get the biggest box of chocolates you can find. The girls and the counter will assume it’s for your boyfriend and what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
3. You can eat anything you want and you don’t have to worry about the consequences.
Does pizza make you bloaty? Do pancakes add ten pounds with every bite? Does your favorite Mexican restaurant leave you in good condition to generate power for a small city? Who cares? Pajama pants are very forgiving. You’ll never have to blame it on the dog if the only one around is the dog!

4. You don’t have to remember any lies.
Remember when he was dumb enough to believe you were a cheerleader? It was so ridiculous that even you didn’t bother to remember it. Remember when you wanted him to think you were sophisticated, so you told him you liked classical music and then he looked suspicious when you Rachmaninov was a kind of vodka? Did you say you were “going somewhere”, pretend to get there, get bored or fall asleep while you were waiting for him to arrive and then make believe you were going there again? You have nothing to remember if you have no one to lie to . What’s that you say? You could always just be honest with the guy in the first place? Hogwash! Americans can’t handle the truth; watch TV and tell me I’m wrong.