English to Customer Service Representative Dictionary.

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So your, phone or your fridge isn’t working and you just don’t know what to do. you’ve called customer service a hundred times and you still don’t have an answer to your questions. Technology is so hard to understand these days and so are some of the customer service representatives who are supposed to help customers with their problems.

Here is  simple dictionary to help you understand what a CSR is really trying to say.

CSR: Thank You for calling The Acme Corporation, My name is Eliza, How can I help you?

English: I am contemplating suicide; what do you want?

CSR: I’d be delighted to help you with that!

English: My will to survive and my want for creature comforts surpasses my dignity and my sense of hope just enough that I will prostitute myself to your likes.

CSR: I wish so much that I could help you, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to transfer you to a specialist in a different department.

English: You’re someone else’s problem now, you malodourous vagina.

CSR: May I place you on a brief hold while I access my resources?

English: I have to take a big dump.

CSR: I understand your frustration.

English: I’m just as exasperated by your stupidity as you are.

CSR: I’m so sorry for your loss, please accept my condolences.

English: Lucky them

CSR: I’m so sorry to interrupt you!

English: I’d like to tie your tongue to the back of a rocket ship and launch it to Mars you nonsensical blabbermouth.

CSR: I’m sorry ma’am, I understand how confusing the computer system can be. Let me see what I can do to help you.

English: A slow witted five year old could navigate our website you insignificant half-wit.

CSR: I want to do everything I can to make sure your customer experience is a good one.

English:  I’d like to tear your head off and pour poison down your neck.

CSR: Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

English: Get your tubes tied.

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