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Craigslist: Like Food? Wanna be paid to eat on camera?

 

Mary Beth arrived at Denny’s for her 9:00 a.m. appointment. She ordered some coffee and checked her phone nervously. The coffee arrived but the man who was supposed to meet her did not. She was just about to leave when she got a text message saying that he would be there in five minutes. Ten minutes later a harried looking man entered the restaurant. She waived at him.

He smiled and took a seat across from her.

“Hi, I’m James.”

“I’m Mary Beth.”

The waiter approached and he ordered a coffee. Mary Beth took a good look at him. He was about forty; short with curly hair and a pot belly. He wore a Nirvana tee shirt and jeans.

“So you answered my ad. Did you have any questions about what the job would entail,” he asked.

“Um” Mary Beth began. She looked around for fear that someone might hear her. “You would film me…like…eating dinner.”

“Well, really you would mostly be filming yourself.”

“Right, but I mean today….”

“Today, I would audition you. I will be auditioning girls for about the next week, for all three meals. I would then pick someone. They would come over to my studio and I would teach them how to angle their web cam on their mouth  just so..”

Mary Beth looked around the restaurant again. She thought the couple at the table behind them might be listening.

“After that, they would make one video a day for one month. We would put the videos up and see how they fly for one month. If the videos are successful, there would be more work.

The waiter came back and took their food orders. James ordered pancakes and eggs.

“I’ll have the same,” Mary Beth said.

“I thought you wanted the burger and fries,” he said, his eyes narrowing a bit.

“Oh, sorry…. right. I’ll have a burger and fries.”

The waiter walked away.

“Did you have any other questions?”

“It’s really $200 a video?”

“Right.”
The woman sitting behind James seemed to turn a bit.

“ And I mean the camera….”

“It would just be focused on your mouth.”

“It pays through Pay Pal?”

“Yes.”

They made awkward small talk until the food came.

Mary Beth took a bite of her hamburger and began chewing it.

“”Open your mouth just a little bit,” he said. “Not that much.”

She tried to comply.

“There you go. That’s it. “

This went on for five minutes until James finally excused himself and went to the bathroom. When he came back he appeared to be sweating. He devoured his meal and paid the bill.

Mary Beth and James walked out into the street. He said he would make a decision in one week. If she did not hear from him by then, she wouldn’t.

As she walked back to her car she wondered how she did. She wondered if there was still enough time to apply at Fed Ex.

Life Coaching Available

office

From Craigslist:

I am a professional life coach that is here to help you achieve the best type of living for your life. If you want to achieve your goals, but always seem to be just out of reach , give me a call and set up an appointment

Byron Foghorn awoke to the sound of his neighbor playing Led Zeppelin and doing some sort of exercise.

He looked at the alarm clock it was 10:00 a.m. His head throbbed as he looked at the empty bottle of cheap vodka that he had polished off the night before. The taste of the potato based poison rested heavily on his tongue.

He picked up the letter from Jim and read it again, hoping that the words had changed.

Dear Byron:

Although I love you and have enjoyed our years together, I must tell you that I can’t see you anymore. I have decided to run for Senate and I cannot run the risk of indulging in our “game” any longer, it would be too risky.

I am putting my fate in the hands of GOD. I have enclosed a token of my appreciation which should help sustain you for the next several months. I will give you a job recommendation if you need one.

Yours,

Jim

Byron put the letter down and went to the bathroom where he threw up. He took a shower, brushed his teeth and looked in the mirror.

“I am middle aged,” he said.

He sat down at his computer and went to Craigslist. He placed yet another ad for his life coaching services. He decided he would go over to the office and take a few selfies sitting behind the desk. He chose a nice shirt and a sweeter vest.

He climbed into the tasteful grey sedan and sat there for a moment. The 720 bus rolled by and he remembered riding it during those early days in Los Angeles.  He wondered if he could go back to it. Three months; he had three months to make a whole new life for himself.

He drove straight down Santa Monica Boulevard until he came to a parking garage with a good rate. He walked over to the virtual office and got into the elevator. He felt a little scared as the elevator struggled to get to the third floor.

He arrived safely and began setting up his camera to take a selfie that would not look like a selfie. He took several shots of himself and sat at the desk for a moment wondering what to do.

He knew that one of the men who shared the office with was a publicist, he wondered if he could work out something for a discounted rate. He wondered if there might be a business card in the desk. He began looking through the desk drawers. He found a ruler, a bag of pens and all three door signs. All of a sudden he felt a sharp bite on his finger. He withdrew his hand to find a tiny man wearing a white shirt and black pants attached to his finger.

He shook his hand and screamed the tiny waiter fell to the floor.

“Hey what’s going on out there,” a tiny voice from inside the desk asked.

“Hey Sam are you okay,” another tiny voice asked.

Byron’s knees went weak and he collapsed. When he opened his eyes there were three tiny waiters standing on his chest.

“He’s alive,” one of them said.

“Get off my chest please. “

The waiters complied and Byron sat up.

“Who are you?”

“We might ask you the same question, this is supposed to be a psychotherapist office.”

“It’s a virtual office that I share with two other guys. I’m a like coach. Who or better yet what are you? “We’re repressed memories. We were living in this woman’s head, but we got vacuumed out we were gonna make a break for it, but we didn’t really think it through the stairs are too high for us and we can’t reach the elevator button. “

“I see,” Byron said, assuming he was dreaming.

“My name is Sam, this is Artie and Fred. Look, we are very hungry. Could you go buy us a sandwich?”

Byron went to a local deli where he purchased two pastrami sandwiches and two cokes.  He decided that this strange episode he was having might be a sign that he should get some help. He wondered what the psychotherapist who shared his office charged. He stopped by the liquor store for a bottle of scotch.

He returned to the office and watched as the waiters devoured the sandwich. Afterwards the four men sat drinking scotch out of the soda bottle caps and talking.

“So what kind of oppressed memories are you guys? Why was she oppressing you? “

The waiters all looked at each other and chuckled.

“Well, this chick was kinda fat and homely, or at least she was when she was 16. She came into our restaurant and we were all daring each other to ask her out. She heard and her parents heard, we’ve been in her head ever since,” Sam said.

“What are you going to do now,” Byron asked.

“I’ figure I’m small enough to live anywhere I want.” Fred said. I’m going to Beverly Hills.”

“Well, I always wanted to be an actor, “Sam said. “But I doubt there are many roles for someone my size.

“That’s a defeatist attitude, Sam” Byron said.

“It’s a realistic attitude.” Artie said.

“Not really,” Byron said. “What you have to do is identify your advantage in this situation.”

Byron looked at the men and realized he had their attention; an Idea began to form in his head.

Group Therapy Available

office

From Craigslist: Group therapy available for anxiety, sex addiction and anorexia.

Medger Simpson parked the ratty Geo Storm several blocks away from his virtual office on Wilshire Blvd. The young psychotherapist wondered what Dr. Peterman, who he had not seen in five years, could possibly want to talk to him about.

Dr. Peterman was a psychologist who had worked in the mental hospital where Medger had done his college internship. The doctor specialize in multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia. Medger had facilitated a group therapy for families of patients with multiple personalities.

In all the time they worked together Medger had never gotten the impression that Dr. Peterman was partial to him in any way. Peterman had given Medger reasonably positive reviews. But, the doctor had always seemed cold and authoritative toward him. He was certain that he had been forgotten the second he walked out the door.

Medger climbed the stairs to his third floor office. He wondered why anyone would take the elevator when the stairs were faster and safer. When he reached the office he noticed with some irritation that the publicist he shared the office with had left some goofy looking guy’s headshots all over the desk. Medger put the headshots in a corner and placed his sign on the door. Soon after which he heard the elevator cranking to pick up his visitor.

Dr. Peterman entered the office the office wearing sweats and tennis shoes. The two men shook hands and asked after each other’s health. Dr. Peterman shut the door and sat down.

“So what can I do for you,” asked Medger.

Dr. Peterman leaned toward Medger in a conspiratorial fashion.

“Medger for the last six months I have been conducting an experiment on a young woman with schizophrenia. She had all the classic symptoms of it; voices in the head, delusions of grandeur and the paranoia that goes with it…

”Uh huh,” Medger said wondering where this was going.

Well, One day she came in for her usual appointment and I examined her. I was looking in her ears when I saw a tiny woman running down her ear canal. At first I thought I might be seeing things. I continued the examination and said nothing. But the next week I examined her and I saw a small boy riding a bicycle back and forth.

Medger sat back in his chair.

“DR. Peterson….um, are you having… do you think…are you in therapy right now,” Medgar said wondering if the doctors wasn’t experiencing a psychotic break.

“Don’t patronize me, Medger! I’m perfectly sane. I do, however know how crazy I sound. You’re the first person I’ve told about this.”

“Thank you, I’m flattered.”

“Medger, I have devised a device to extract these creatures. If I can take them out and study them. I may well be able to cure schizophrenia. If nothing else I could certainly cure hers.”

“Sir, what you are talking about is very dangerous. Not to mention illegal…..”

“I know it is. I can’t do it in the hospital. That’s why I’m coming to you.”

“What could I do?”

“Well, Medger, I was wanting to have you assist me and use your office for the extraction.”

“Dr. Peterman…..I don’t know. Isn’t there someone, well I mean you must have many trust worthy colleagues.”

“Yes, but I can’t go to any of them I am too closely affiliated with them. You and I barely know one another, no one would ever suspect.”

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no. You can’t just go around experimenting on people.

“Look, I’ve talked to the patient about it and she wants it done. She is very high functioning. She says she would rather be dead than keep taking meds all her life. I will give you fifty thousand dollars in cash and do anything I can to ensure that I will refer the most famous people I know to you for their psychotherapy.”

Medgar told the doctor that he would think about it and the two men parted. As he walked back to his car he wondered if he would end up losing his psychotherapist license over this. He drove back to the valley with his stomach in knots.

A week later he found himself at his office pacing the floor as he waited for the doctor to arrive. As he waited he imagined one of the men he shared the office walking in on him. It was impossible of course the door would be locked and their card keys wouldn’t work, but he worried just the same.

A few minutes later Dr. Peterman entered the small office with his patient Shelia in tow. She was a short, pale, slightly plump blond woman in her mid-forties. She looked nervous when she entered the office and there were sweat stains on the armpits of her Winnie the Pooh Tee shirt.

Medgar closed the door and the doctor sat Shelia down in a chair. The valium he had given her was beginning to set in. The doctor pulled out a contraption that looked like a giant twisty straw and inserted into Sheila’s ear and poured water into it. Nothing happened for about fifteen minutes. Then Medgar was astonished to see a tiny woman in a house dress swirling out through the straw. She landed on the carpet gasping for air. She was followed by the boy on the bike, a man in a tweed jacket with patches on the elbow, three waiters, a tiny Jesus, a teenager who resembled Sheila and a tiny version of David Strathan.

As the tiny people fell to the ground Dr. Peterson instructed Medgar to put them in a small fish tank. After Shelia’s head was empty, the men secured the fish tank and put the fish tank in a large box that Medgar placed on a dolly. The doctor handed Medger his money and instructed him to meet him back at the office in two weeks. He suggested feeding the people plain oatmeal.

Medgar went to retrieve his car from the parking lot next door and the doctor and Shelia left. Nobody noticed the three tiny waiters cowering under the desk.

Bang (part 5)

clap

Penelope awoke to a loud knock at the front door. She went to answer it and found two policeman standing in front of her.

“Penelope Roger’s,” one of them said.

“Yes,” she said.

“We have a warrant for your arrest for the Kidnaping of Tabitha Kraft, the other one said. “You have the right to remain..”

Penelope let out an enormous scream as the police officer seized her arm. It turned into a buzzing noise. Penelope bolted up in bed and slapped off the alarm. She showered and dressed and went to the living room where Billy was already dressed and thumbing through a magazine.

“Mike’s here, he’s prepping Tabitha for the day,” Billy said. Look, I’ve been thinking.  People have probably seen us around town, we stayed in a couple of hotels and our landlady back in Los Angeles is gonna notice we haven’t been around for a while.”

“Look we don’t really know anyone who would even notice us gone for ten days,” Penelope said.

“No, I know, but just in case I think we should apply for jobs ask around about work. That way, if anyone asks, we were having a hard time financially and we were thinking of moving here. We stayed in hotels for five days and the car for the next week.”

“Okay,” Penelope said.

The two headed for a greasy spoon that advertised free wifi. Billy turned on his phone and the two ordered breakfast and began discussing Craigslist prospects loudly.

There was a big screen television on the wall. The sound was turned off but, the close captioning was displayed. Wolfe Blitzer was prattling on about the economy. His show ended and Anderson Cooper’s show began. A picture of Tabitha was proximately displayed.

“Turn this up, Clair,” a patron shouted to the waitress.

“Well the story keeps getting curiouser or and curiouser. One week ago a woman robbed the Central Casting office in Burbank California. Early this morning this bizarre video featuring reality star, Tabitha Kraft was released on YouTube. In it Ms. Kraft claims that she is with the organization responsible for the robbery called the Hollywood Liberation Army which is dedicated to fighting for the rights of poor artists and actors. She makes several demands including “public transportation to be free for three months. Fairer pay rates for background actors and free health care for freelance workers in California.” Here is the video.”

The video began and the patrons in the restaurant sat transfixed. Penelope nervously sipped her coffee and munched on her omelet. Billy smiled vaguely at Tabitha as if he were proud of her.

“The police were investigating the authenticity of the interview,” Anderson said. “Producers of the show have refused to comment on the video or discuss the wearabout’s of Ms. Kraft. “  Anderson announced that he would be having a special show that evening with  special guests, including an expert on cults and a psychologist who was an expert in the psychology of fame.

Penelope and Billy left the restaurant and headed home. They found Josh sitting in the living room.

He told them that Mike had gone to work and Tabitha was going over her lines for that night’s video.

“Anderson Cooper just did a story on us.” Penelope said plaintively.

“That’s great,” Josh said. “If you guys will stay here for the rest of the day. I’m gonna head out to try to hack into Reality Now’s computers.”

“You know how to do that, man,” Billy asked impressed.

“With a few tips from Mike,” he said.

He left and Penelope sat at the kitchen table writing her resume. After a moment Billy announced he was going to help Tabitha run lines.

Penelope tried not to listen at the laughter she heard coming from the other room.

Missed Connections

craig

 

Magnolia sat in her car watching Kevin, her apartment buildings handyman change the lock on her the vacant apartment next to hers. As he rummaged around looking for the right size door knob, she noticed that his left arm sported a new Bugs Bunny tattoo. She looked at the way the imaged moved with his toned, tanned arms as he pulled out his drill.

A wave of embarrassment rushed over her as her reached up to wipe sweat out of his eyes. Her hand instinctively went up to her check, feeling the scar, long, raised and rough. She hoped he’d be done soon; she wanted to watch her show. She hoped he hadn’t noticed her siting there. She’d just pulled in when he walked up. The last time she’d seen him she’d said hello. He’d smiled politely and asked how she was, but there was a coldness in his eyes, the kind she always seen on the faces of men.

Kevin stood up and reached into his back pocket taking his phone out. He went into the vacant apartment and half closed the door behind him. Magnolia grabbed her grocery bag and made a run for her apartment, closing her door just as Kevin came back out. She put away her groceries as she heard the drill resume. As she ate dinner and watched her favorite show she heard him finish and test the door several times. She heard her neighbor Max greet him on the stairs.

“Hey, man how’s it going?”

“Not, two bad finishing up here then on my way to my second job,” Kevin said.

“Ya, still bouncing at Stella’s, Max asked.

“Still am,” Kevin said as he walked down the stairs. Magnolia she ran to the window, pulling the curtain open as he opened the door to his truck. She saw him look up when she looked out. She dropped the curtain    quickly and went back to watching her show.

She was unable to sleep that night. She was thinking of Kevin guarding the door to Stella’s. She got up and began to surf the web. She went to Cragislist’s Missed Connections and began to look at the ads. A woman with red hair had smiled at a man on the elevator in the NCR building and he couldn’t stop thinking about her. A woman who slept in a tent in her studio apartment, because she was afraid of spiders was attempting to romance a successful young business man she’d seen shopping at Ikea.

Her hands shook as she opened up the post section.

‘Kevin Who works at Stella’s on Main St.’ she began.

‘You were working the door tonight at around 9:00 you smiled at me when I walked in. I am tall with redish blond hair. I was with my boyfriend and a few other people. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you all night. E mail me if you noticed me too.’

She hesitated for a moment and then posted it using an email address she used when she wanted to remain anonymous.

She got into bed wondering if she would ever get a response.

The next morning she woke up and immediately went to her dummies email. There was nothing there. She checked it several times though out the day, but there was still nothing. She wondered if he even had a computer, she knew he had a phone.

She saw him walking around the grounds the next day. Max came out of his apartment and the two of them appeared to be joking about something.

She attempted to hear what they were saying without getting to close to them.

“Hi. Magnolia”, Kevin called to her as she rushed back to her apartment.

“Hi” she said. She closed the door and began breathing heavily. Did he KNO?. He usually only said hello to her if she walked right by him and greeted him first. She turned on her TV and tried to concentrate on the news. She went to the window every five minutes to see if he was still there. She was relieved when she heard the sound of his truck starting and saw him pulling away.

She waited an hour and checked her email. There were a few crude propositions from various anonymous men, but nothing from Kevin.

She donned her baseball cap and went out for a long walk along the river. She sat for a long time watching a family of ducks fish and drift around. Her serenity was broken by two boys walked by and made a cruel remark about her.

She walked back to her apartment and checked her e mail again. This time there was an email from KEVINHART349@hotmail.com.

“I think you may be talking about me. E mail me and we can Skype.” The email said.

She took the ad down and deleted the email account. She did not see Kevin again for several weeks. She tried to forget about the incident.

She saw him again when he came by to change a light bulb that had gone out on the property. She said hello and he grunted a greeting back.

She waited until he left and sat down at her computer. She created a new email and wrote a new ad.

‘Guy who works the door at Stella’s’ she put in the headline. I can’t stop thinking about you. Email me if you see this,’ she wrote in the body of the ad. She posted it and sat down to watch her favorite show. She smiled to herself as the theme music began.

 

Etcetera

 

 

 

etc

Cora was looking through the Etcetera section of Craigslist in the hopes of finding a gig for the next day. She came across one that said ‘$100 cash and a night in a luxury hotel simply for filing out a survey about the hotel in the morning.’ The ad asked her to send in her name, age (for demographic reasons) and a picture (So they knew she wasn’t a spammer). She answered the ad and continued searching for a gig assuming that her e mail would get lost amoung a million responses. She was thrilled when the phone rang and it was a woman calling about the ad.

Hi, Cora this is Sally with Double Impact marketing. I was calling about the study. Can you answer a few questions?

“Sure,” Cora said eagerly.

“How often do you stay in four star hotels?

“Six times a year,” Cora said guessing at the appropriate answer.

“What is your annual income?”

“A hundred and twenty thousand,” Cora guessed again.

“How many hours of TV do you watch on your average luxury hotel stay?”

“Um, three?” Cora said.

“And what is your approximate height and weight?”

“Um, I’m about five four and a hundred and twenty eight pounds,” Cora answered wondering what was going on.”

“That’s great,” Sally enthused.

“Now, the study would involve staying overnight at the downtown Hilton on 5th Avenue. You would have to be there no later than 3:00 on Thursday and leave no later than 6:00 am; can you do this?”

Cora agreed to be in the study. She was to meet Sally the next day at a coffee shop near the hotel. She would receive her key and several survey forms. She was told to wear jeans and sneakers. The whole thing sounded strange. She wondered if she was going to be kidnaped. She Googled Double Impact Marketing and found their website. She called and asked for Sally and they told her she was at lunch.

She arrived at the coffee shop right on time the next day. Sally, a petite brunette greeted her as soon as she came in and walked her over to a seat in the corner. She seemed extremely nervous as she went over the instructions.

“Okay, so this is market research for several different clients one is obviously the hotel, the other is Pepper’s Pizza and the others are Sport Time Clothing and Comcast. You will be asked to go up to your room, make sure everything in the room works. If something doesn’t work, don’t call the front desk just write it down on your survey form. At 6:00 order a small peperoni pizza and a Coke from Pepper’s and fill out the form. You are to have the TV on from the time you get there til 11:00 PM. When you get up in the morning, come right back over here without checking out and I’ll pay you, “

“Okay, do you want me to check out the gym or the lounge?”

“No! Just stay in your room.”

“Okay.”

“Wear this with the hoodie on the whole time,” Sally said handing her an orange and blue Broncos hoodie. You’ll fill out a survey on that too.”

Cora walked to the hotel and did as she was told. She watched a Soprano’s marathon, ordered her food and took a long hot bath. She filled out all her surveys and went to bed where she was unable to sleep. She was afraid she would miss the alarm. She wanted to explore the grounds, but she was afraid she would be disqualified.

In the morning she returned to the coffee house, but it was not open. She stood outside of it for about five minutes. She was about to walk back when she heard the sound of a car screeching around the corner. Sally parked clumsily and got out of the car. She appeared to be sweating profusely.

“Hey,” she said.

She reached into her purse quickly and retrieved five rumpled twenty dollar bills and stuffed them in Cora’s hand.

“Thanks for everything, do you have the key?”

“Yes,” Cora said handing it over.

“And the hoodie.”

Cora took the hoodie off and handed it to her.

“Thanks, I’ll be in touch,” Sally said.

“Um, don’t you want the surveys?”

“Oh, yeah…yeah that’s fine,” She said taking them.

“I hope I filled them out right,” Cora said.

“They look fine,” sally said not looking at them.

As Cora walked away she noticed Sally putting on the sweatshirt before getting in her car. She stood and waited for the bus. She pretended she didn’t notice the red stain on one of the twenties.

Smoke

craig

 

 

Morton Titleman sat in his tiny cramped room surrounded by old newspapers and comic books. He opened his sixth Pepsi of the day and a large bag of Cheetos. He went on YouTube and critiqued several of the music cover videos. He went to Craigslist and ranted and raved about how women in Los Angeles were all stuck up bitches who couldn’t see past a few extra pounds. He went to the talent section and posted an ad:

Sugar Daddy $1000 a month.

If you are attractive and between the ages of twenty and thirty five I would be willing to pay you $1000 a month for you to meet with me twice a month for fun and conversation.

Please send me a full body photo and a little bit about yourself.

He sat back and waited for the photo’s to roll in.

 

 

Brooklyn Everdone came home to the studio apartment she shared with her brother Melvin. As usual, he was sitting on his bean bag chair smoking pot and reading the Bible. She though, once again how she had to get out of this situation. Since moving to Los Angeles she’d only had one audition for a soap commercial. Her job at Kinko’s was on shaky ground and she could tell her boss didn’t like her. She sat down in her Bean bag chair without acknowledging her brother at all.

She went on Craigslist and started to look for a job. She looked at customer service for a few moments, but then she wandered down to the talent section. She browsed the various acting jobs skipping the porn and foot fetish stuff.

“Attractive brunette 25 to thirty. The headline said, she hesitated and then clicked, she had turned 35 the week before. The director was looking for a lead actress for his new independent rom/com. She was supposed to be beautiful, passionate and endearingly clumsy.

‘But, mostly beautiful,’ she thought. She submitted her photo and resume anyway. She looked pretty good in the picture, her make-up contoured, the lighting perfect, she didn’t understand why she didn’t get more responses; they would have make-up and lighting on the set of a movie, would they not?

She clicked on another ad, asking for an actress from 25 to thirty. This time it was for a girl doing a YouTube monologue for a new play. She was supposed to be plain looking with no make-up. In the monologue she was to relive the characters experience of being invited to a pig party at the age of 16.

Brooklyn moved on to the next ad without sending in her picture. There was an ad for yet another YouTube video, this time, they were looking for an actor to play a prostitute. She thought about it for a moment. It would be good exposure, or would it? What if the camera man and make-up artist didn’t know what they were doing and shot her at her unattractive angle. It occurred to her that she wouldn’t have any control over the comments. Her stomach knotted at the thought of this. She wanted to be seen for who she really was. She moved on.

“Sugar Daddy” the next ad said she clicked on it for a laugh. She read the ad and looked across the room at her brother who was now appeared to be high as a kite. He was swaying back and forth as he prayed. She thought how nice it would be to have her own studio.

He got up and put on his jacket. He exited without saying a single word to her. She looked at the ad again. She wondered how many girls would actually be willing to do this. She thought of an inspirational quote she had seen on Facebook, “It is always more difficult to fight against faith than against knowledge.”

She couldn’t remember who said it, but it made her well up with tears for  She had faith in herself.

She took a deep breath and stood up and went to the bathroom where she did her make up and hair. She took off all of her clothes and snapped a picture on her web came. She answered the sugar daddy ad. She sighed and went to see if her brother had left her any smoke.

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