Bang (part 5)

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Penelope awoke to a loud knock at the front door. She went to answer it and found two policeman standing in front of her.

“Penelope Roger’s,” one of them said.

“Yes,” she said.

“We have a warrant for your arrest for the Kidnaping of Tabitha Kraft, the other one said. “You have the right to remain..”

Penelope let out an enormous scream as the police officer seized her arm. It turned into a buzzing noise. Penelope bolted up in bed and slapped off the alarm. She showered and dressed and went to the living room where Billy was already dressed and thumbing through a magazine.

“Mike’s here, he’s prepping Tabitha for the day,” Billy said. Look, I’ve been thinking.  People have probably seen us around town, we stayed in a couple of hotels and our landlady back in Los Angeles is gonna notice we haven’t been around for a while.”

“Look we don’t really know anyone who would even notice us gone for ten days,” Penelope said.

“No, I know, but just in case I think we should apply for jobs ask around about work. That way, if anyone asks, we were having a hard time financially and we were thinking of moving here. We stayed in hotels for five days and the car for the next week.”

“Okay,” Penelope said.

The two headed for a greasy spoon that advertised free wifi. Billy turned on his phone and the two ordered breakfast and began discussing Craigslist prospects loudly.

There was a big screen television on the wall. The sound was turned off but, the close captioning was displayed. Wolfe Blitzer was prattling on about the economy. His show ended and Anderson Cooper’s show began. A picture of Tabitha was proximately displayed.

“Turn this up, Clair,” a patron shouted to the waitress.

“Well the story keeps getting curiouser or and curiouser. One week ago a woman robbed the Central Casting office in Burbank California. Early this morning this bizarre video featuring reality star, Tabitha Kraft was released on YouTube. In it Ms. Kraft claims that she is with the organization responsible for the robbery called the Hollywood Liberation Army which is dedicated to fighting for the rights of poor artists and actors. She makes several demands including “public transportation to be free for three months. Fairer pay rates for background actors and free health care for freelance workers in California.” Here is the video.”

The video began and the patrons in the restaurant sat transfixed. Penelope nervously sipped her coffee and munched on her omelet. Billy smiled vaguely at Tabitha as if he were proud of her.

“The police were investigating the authenticity of the interview,” Anderson said. “Producers of the show have refused to comment on the video or discuss the wearabout’s of Ms. Kraft. “  Anderson announced that he would be having a special show that evening with  special guests, including an expert on cults and a psychologist who was an expert in the psychology of fame.

Penelope and Billy left the restaurant and headed home. They found Josh sitting in the living room.

He told them that Mike had gone to work and Tabitha was going over her lines for that night’s video.

“Anderson Cooper just did a story on us.” Penelope said plaintively.

“That’s great,” Josh said. “If you guys will stay here for the rest of the day. I’m gonna head out to try to hack into Reality Now’s computers.”

“You know how to do that, man,” Billy asked impressed.

“With a few tips from Mike,” he said.

He left and Penelope sat at the kitchen table writing her resume. After a moment Billy announced he was going to help Tabitha run lines.

Penelope tried not to listen at the laughter she heard coming from the other room.

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Bang (part 4)

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Mike set up the lights he’d procured from the studio and Tabitha sat in front of the laptop. She opened her script and gave it the once over. She laughed and said it was funny. She turned on the webcam and everyone was silent.

“Hello my name is Tabitha Kraft and I am a member of the Hollywood Liberation Army, the group that is responsible for the Central Casting robbery. We represent poor artist who have been taken advantage of by big corporate studios. We will continue to stage acts of rebellion until our demands are met. We want public transportation to be free for three months. We want background actors to be given a fair rates. We want free health care for freelance workers in California. That’s all of now. “

She turned off the webcam and everyone clapped.

“That was great, “Billy said exuberantly.

Penelope eyed him suspiciously.

“Well, we’ve got a big day tomorrow, so we should probably turn in,” Penelope said.

Everyone began to head to their rooms.

“Hey, Mike could you call Steve and tell him I love him and I’ll see him Sunday.”

“Okay, “Mike said.

Tabitha went into the guest room

“How did you get her cell phone,” Penelope asked Mike.

I told her she had to be without her cell phone for seventy two hours in order for this part of the show to work. I told her the director though her reactions would be more natural if she didn’t have any contact with the outside world.”

“That was okay with her?” Penelope asked, shocked.

“ Yeah , she’s in the Church of Astromometry. They require their members to do a pop culture cleanse once a year with. No internet, television or phone for one week. She started it tonight. Two birds, one stone I guess. “

Penelope and Billy headed for their room and Josh went to his. Mike left and took the computer to an internet café where he would park just close enough to the building to post the video on Youtube using the café’s free wifi.

Penelope undressed and put on the night gown that she had taken to wearing. Billy stripped down to his boxers and climbed in next to her. He seemed cheerful.’

“”You know, maybe this will work out,” he said. “Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be like a gangster.”

“You mean a folk hero,” she asked.

“Yeah, like that. You know I expected her to be some kind of a spoiled bitch, but she’s actually really sweet,” he said.

Penelope didn’t say anything. He turned out the light and kissed her, she did not stop him, she realized it was the only way he would forgive her.

Josh stayed awake in his room with the door slightly a jar so that he could see the door to Tabitha’s room. They had agreed to stay awake in two and a half hour shifts, just in case Tabitha got smart and tried to leave.

Bang (part 2)

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For a moment they both froze.

“It’s the pizza. It’s okay it’s just the pizza,” Penelope said.

 

Billy stuffed the money into the backpack and opened the door and a thin young man entered carrying their food.

“Hi there folk, I’ve got two large sodas, a family size salad and a large mushroom pizza, $27.00 for ya.”

“Thanks just put it on the table, Billy said slipping a hand into the backpack and taking out forty dollars. Just give me $5 back”

The young man reached into his money pouch to take out some change. Suddenly he stopped and stared at the television. He took a long look at Penelope. Billy and Penelope turned to the screen to see a rather poorly light still photograph of the robbery being shown on CNN. For a moment they all stared at one another in stunned silence.

The delivery boy handed Billy his change and began to leave.

“Wait,” Penelope said. The delivery boy turned around to see Penelope holding a gun in her shaking hand.

“What the…” he began.

“Jesus, Penelope,” Billy said.

“Look, we all know what just happened. He saw me. He’s going to tell the cops.”

“No I wasn’t I swear.”

“Bullshit,” Penelope’s voice broke.

“Look what are ya gonna do shoot me?” Everyone will hear it plus, did you check in under your own names? Everyone will know you’re here.”

“Riiight,” Billy agreed.

“You’ll go to jail for murder, not just armed robbery. How much did you guys get anyway?” he asked being to realize that he was in no real danger.

“Practically nothing.” Penelope said beginning to cry.


“Look,” the delivery boy said approaching her. “Put down the gun, you don’t have to be afraid of me. I think there’s a way we can all work together if you just listen to me for a sec.”

Penelope and Billy looked at each other.

“Look, you hate Hollywood and Central Casting and all the bullshit, so do I… I have an Idea. My name is Josh by the way.”

Penelope took the remaining bullet out of the gun and put it in her pocket. She grabbed the backpack and put the gun in it. She clutched the bag to her chest.

“What do you want?”

“Let’s sit down and have some pizza. I’ll tell you about it.”

They all sat around the table. Penelope sat with the backpack wrapped around her legs.

Okay, so here’s what I’ve been thinking about. You know Tabitha Kraft? She an heiress, she was on the Kardashians as one of Kim’s friends?”

“I think I know who you mean,” Billy asked.

“Yes,” Josh said. “Well she’s making a show of her own right now, I have a friend who is a PA on the show. Plus, she orders pizzas all the time. She has Bulimia, I think.”

“You want to rob her,” Penelope assumed.

“No, no. I want to kidnap her.”

“That’s a sure way to go to jail,” Billy said.

“No, just listen to me,” Josh continued. Have you guys ever heard of Patty Hearst?

“Yeah, sure,” Penelope said.

“Well what I’m thinking is we kidnap her and get her to do stuff for us.”

“You want to brainwash her,” Billy asked.

“No, no, she’s already brainwashed. We’re gonna tell her it’s part of the show…”

Penelope and Billy munched their pizza and listened with great intensity.

Porn Stars, Pot Smoke and the Million Dollar Hotel Rosslyn

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As time wore on, the hours at Nielsen began to dwindle. We were sent home early often. A lot of times we would just skip taking a break and work straight through so they could get the most work out of us for the least amount of money. Pam got meaner and meaner, she found some sort of flaw in my work every day. Mark began to date a co-worker who was apparently the niece of one Miss Annette Funicello. I began to write a play in my spare time about a mousey woman working in a phone room where they sell toner, who gets revenge on the people in her life who berate her. It was great therapy.
Chris was beginning to have problems with his landlord. He has moved into a converted garage. He had agreed to do all the carpentry work on the apartment for free for a reduced rate in rent. Right after he finished the carpentry there was no more hot water in the house. It turned out his landlord had not paid the water bill. A bit of further investigation reveled that he had not paid the mortgage in several months and was about to be foreclosed upon.
Meanwhile, the housing inspector came to our building and Macbeth and I had to get lost for six hours while Vito shoved a dumpster in front of my door in an effort to pretended there was not an apartment there. Macbeth and I went for a long, long walk. We sat and watched the boats leaving the harbor. I longed to be on the water. I thought how nice it would be to sail away somewhere, just the two of us. I’d always wanted to work on a cruise ship, but I never could, because I’d always had dogs. There was a lot of traveling I never got to do for this reason. That’s the trouble with love; it ruins everything – all your plans for the future. If it hadn’t been for Macbeth there were a lot of other places I could live and I could have worked more as I wouldn’t have had to go running home to him so often. I wouldn’t have given him up for anything, of course, but sometimes I wish he could cook and use the toilet. We returned home to find Vito still there, he said the housing inspector had only been there for a few minutes and didn’t even bother to look in the back of the building.
Several people had told me that I could turn Vito into the housing authority and get up to $7000 because he was renting an illegal apartment. I found out later that I would have to call the inspectors office. They would let him know I called . They would come over there and inspect it with Vito present and then they would have to give him a certain amount of time to fix it. I figured he would kill me if that happened so I decided not to turn him in.
I continued to do audience work. I swallowed my pride and cheered for Dr. Phil, The Doctors, Family Feud and a host of other crap. I saw Stephanie at almost every one of them. She told me that she told her boyfriend she was going back to school. She said she didn’t know what she was going to do when he came home and found out everything she told him was a lie. I ran into Jessica as well. I told her how broke I was.
“I can get you $300 for a blow job tomorrow.” She said.
I stared at her. I giggled a bit uncomfortably.
“My boyfriend produces porn movies. Were always looking for people.”
I tried to hide my shock. As a pasty-faced, slightly chubby forty two-year-old, I didn’t get offered a lot of porn. Furthermore, if she was doing this herself why did she have to do audience work? For a brief fleeting moment I considered this. I realized they probably wouldn’t take me anyway and she was probably just telling me about it because she needed someone to talk to, but desperation can make you think some crazy things.
“Do you use a stage name?” I asked, horrified and fascinated.
“Yeah,” she said without telling me what it was.
“Have any of the movies come out yet?
“No”, she said without telling me the names of them.”
“Do your parents know?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said , without telling me what they though.
After this we went in to watch a for a game show called Catch 21, she fell asleep again – I think she was on drugs.
Stephanie later told me that Jessica had tried to recruit her as well. She said she had gone so far as to go over to Jessica’s apartment to talked to her. She said she decided not to do it because the guys she would have to have sex with were black. (Really, that’s why you don’t want to do the most private thing ever in front of a camera, your parents and anyone who happens across the video?)
In my career as a clapper I would meet a German woman resembling Janis Joplin, who told me she had inherited two million dollars and frittered it all away on fancy hotels. I met a woman who said the Jews were trying to control us by tainting our pap smears. I saw a fist fight break out between a male audience member and a female audience member when she accused him of taking her picture, charging her for it and then never giving it to her.
I did most of my audience work for a man named Dominick. A short chubby man who’d been in the audience business for many years. He was a good guy compared to most audience coordinators. He always answered his phone, booked you even if you were plain-looking and paid quickly, in the right amount and in cash. He didn’t bother with tax records either. I understand why most audience members wouldn’t want to pay taxes, I can even understand why coordinators wouldn’t want to pay them, but these audience companies were working for some major corporations. They must have been getting paid by all of the major networks and none of them ever seemed to make sure the audience companies were legit.
I had better bladder control than a Catholic school boy as we often went five hours in an audience without a toilet break. To this day I can’t get over the fact that they were perfectly willing to sacrifice a room full of people’s kidneys for some junkie game or talk show. I lied about my age a million times, so did a lot of people.. Most of the calls were for people between 18 and 35. I was grateful to have a baby face. Why it would mater how old you were to sit in the dark and clap is beyond me, but Hollywood loves to discriminate, even when she stands to gain nothing.
The anxiety experiment ended and Dr. M send me off with a months worth of free drugs and  several Ambien. I managed to accidentally throw the Ambien away in to a dumpster. Somewhere, in San Pedro there was a very happy bum. Eventually I abandon the anxiety drugs as they had a most unappealing and unladylike side effect. I began smoking pot regularly along with Chris. Did I mention he was also the school stoner? I needed something to deal with the fact that I was working every single day, spending as much time on the bus as I did working and often coming home having earned less than forty dollars.

One day I called Dominick for audience work and he didn’t answer. No one could get in touch with him. It turned out he had disappeared abandoning his apartment and all of his clients. Rumor had it he owed money to the mob.
I began selling plasma in a horrible place located in a filthy basement in Van Nuys. Plasma is used as an ingredient in various medicines and people can sell their plasma as much as twice a week. I had sold plasma once before in Denver and although it wasn’t fun, the facility was clean, it took about two hours and paid $35.00 a pop. In LA it took three hours to get to the nearest plasma center, once you were there it normally took five hours to donate and it paid $30. The fee would later go down as the economy worsened. The place was disgusting. There was piss on the seat of toilet in the tolietpaperless bathroom., There were used tissues scattered all over the waiting room and there was often gum in the drinking fountain. The staff was cold and rude and would get mad if you asked a question. They knew we were all desperate for money and they used the opportunity to take all of their hostilities out on us. There was nothing we could do about it; we needed the money.
The whole thing made me think about the grim reality of human nature. The staff could have chosen to be nasty or nice, but they chose nasty because it was more fun. Plasma centers make around $1500 for a case of plasma; $30 a bag is just a small percentage of that. The operators of these centers say that they care about people, but when the economy got bad and more donors started coming in they used the opportunity to pay less. Giving the miserable experience that it was and given the demand for plasma one can only imagine what the consequences would be if the economy every got so good that no one had to sell their plasma. No one in their right mind would ever donate plasma without any pay on a regular basis. If it weren’t for people being poor and desperate enough to sell plasma the pharmaceutical companies would not be able to make anywhere near as much medicine as they do and some people would die. If it weren’t for sickness and the need for medicine we donors would have one less means of income. So the pharmaceutical companies and sick people relied on us to be poor and we relied on them to be sick. I got to thinking about how many people who work in hospitals, collection agencies and rehab center would be unemployed if it weren’t for desperation and disease, metal illness and debt. I wondered how dependent our economy was human suffering. And I though to myself what a wonderful world.
In September I got more and more depressed and smoked more and more pot. Eventually I quit Nielsen as the hours had dwindled so much, I could make more money doing audience work. I got a part-time job fund-raising for the Obama campaign and was fired after one month.
Chris had an occasional security guard job at the Shrine Auditorium. One night he work at a Scientology convention. He texted me saying there was a n enormous spread of food that he was invited to eat on his break. I talked to him when he got home.
“How was the food? Did you see any celebrities?” I asked.
“Those people are crazy” He replied sounding a bit scared. “You know that girl who was in Natural Born Killers?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Well, she was there and she started talking to me and at first I was really excited that this famous person was talking to me, but she’s nuts. Her eyes were as big as saucers. She looked and seemed like she was on drugs, but I’m pretty sure she wasn’t”
“How was the food?”
“I couldn’t get anywhere near it. They were all trying to recruit me.”
Chris was a fairly tough character. He’d lived in some of New York’s roughest SRO’s and he’d worked in a porn bookstore in NYC for a year. He’d live in Jersey City for seven years and had spent his time in LA residing in Watts. I had never seen or heard of him being afraid of anything until he met the Scientologists.
Chris was beginning to revel himself as not only a pot head, but a pretty hardcore alcoholic. Whenever any minor little thing would upset him he got drunk. I was over at his house one night after he’d gotten an especially bad haircut, He was freaking out about it. I fell asleep while watching the movie Jaws 3 (it was the only thing we could get on his TV). I woke up at the end of the movie and was surrounded by six empty 40’s of cheap beer. Chris had moved to Los Angeles from New York to work as a set carpenter. I wondered if the pressure of being away from the town he grew up in and his family wasn’t to much for him.
A few days later all the lights went out in Chris’s apartment. His landlord had failed to pay the bill. He asked if he could come over and stay with me until he found a new place to live. I said sure . He came over with a copy of Cool Hand Luke and a bad attitude. He told me he was going to sue his landlord. I advised him not to sue the poor. I woke up the next morning to find him gone. A few minutes later there was a knock at my door. He said he slept in his car because all of Macbeth’s scratching had kept him awake. He was tired and crabby. He grabbed all of his stuff and stormed out. The next day he called me up, drunk off his ass and yelled at me for an hour about how I should control my dog (apparently in my sleep). He complained about what an awful apartment I had. He said he would hang up before he said something he would regret.
I hung up, I felt like I should be upset or shocked or something, but the truth is I wasn’t. I don’t expect much from men and this seemed about right. He called the next night and apologized all over the place. He said he’d found a new apartment at the Hotel Rosslyn in downtown LA, it was only $300 a month. I wanted to break up with him, but I didn’t. He was my only friend in town and I didn’t have enough money to pay the rent that month. I thought I might have to go stay with him and put MacBeth in a kennel. One week later Chris got fired from Nielsen and went on unemployment.
The Hotel Rosslyn was once a very fancy place occupied by movie stars and other glamorous types in the 20’s. In the seventy’s and 80’s it was occupied by drug addicts, gangs and other transient types I have heard rumors of people being thrown off the roof in gang related killings. In 2006 the hotel got a renovation as part of a government program. It housed everything from former homeless folks to a multitude of aspiring artist. Chris’s room was tiny and the bathroom was down the hall. In spite of being the son of a successful New York television producer , having a college degree and growing up in a mini mansion, Chris thought this was a great apartment.
I continued to try to get background extra work, but I was rejected for my looks more of the than not. When I did work it was on shows that had enormous cattle calls with huge crowd scenes. May of these shoots were indoors in small arenas they were breeding grounds for horrible diseases and I got sick most times I worked. I thought things were picking up a bit when I heard about another petitioning job starting in Beverlywood. We were to go door to door asking for registered voters to sign to get a candidate on the ballot. Our petition boss Ron was a nervous elderly man who lived in Westwood and drove a nice Mercedes. We arrived for work early on a Saturday morning to find that Beverlywood was an orthodox Jewish neighborhood where they cannot answer the door, or sign anything on the Saturday Sabbath. I’m pretty sure our petition boss was Jewish and had lived in LA all his life and should have known about the neighborhood. We got all of twenty signatures. We did a little bit better the rest of the week. On Thursday we gathered at our usual meeting place expecting to get our checks and Ron acting as though he didn’t know what we were talking about. He said we weren’t supposed to get paid till the following Thursday. I told him I knew that wasn’t what he said and that I wouldn’t be doing anymore work until I was paid. I expected the other petition circulator to go along with me. Instead they all told me that they were sure we would be paid eventually and that I shouldn’t complain. One older lady told me that you just have to roll with the punches. I went home again shocked at the ridiculous complacency of the poor in Los Angeles.
I called Central Casting and heard a call for “funky looking people to be on The Mentalist in a scene set in a bar in the desert. I called and was booked right away. I was told to bring a bunch of different character costumes to the set which was located in Temecula. I was excited . I was finally getting an opportunity because of the way I looked. I wondered how I was going to get to Temecula. I called Chris, but he couldn’t drive me as he had a temp job for the day. I checked into taking the Greyhound, but the schedule was all wrong. The metro would have gotten me there, but I couldn’t afford it. I ended up having to call them and tell them I couldn’t make it . I entertained a common Hollywood fantasy; if I had shown up – where might it have led? What if someone had thought I was entertainingly goofy enough to give me a line in the show. It’s silly I know, but they were looking for my type. A line can pay up to $1000. I was beginning to understand where the fantasy came from.
On the first of November Chris and I bought a gigantic cheap bottle of Vodka and got drunk every night. During the day I stayed in my apartment while my neighbors birth control accidents screamed outside the door. On Thursday we drove to West Hollywood to meet up with Ron The petition guy. I began crying as we drove I had no money and rent wasn’t paid was sure he wasn’t gonna pay me. Chris said he would make him pay me. The Roxy, The Viper room and Whiskey a- Go Go flew past us in a nightmarish blur. I had a vodka induced vision of myself begging on the street. When we got there we found that Ron didn’t have the checks. He said he would give them to us on Saturday. Chris stood over him with a menacing look while he said this. Ron looked terrified and his hands shook. I just glared at him with giant angry pot eyes . I didn’t say anything , the booze was making the room spin around at this point.
On Saturday I went to his office and he finally paid me. he tried paying me half of what he owed me at first, but I refused to leave his office until I got the whole thing. It took three trips to Beverly Hills and six hours to get a check for $300. Vito called on the 20th of November and asked where rent was. I told him I would have it in two weeks. MacBeth managed to get a horrible case of fleas. It coast $100 to get rid of them. I ran into one of the petition circulators who worked for Ron. Ron had never paid him and he was living in a tent in the park.
.
A week later I got a part time temp job as an appointment setter in a janitorial office I wondered what the net year would bring. I didn’t know it, but I was about to meet the Queen Of Hearts.