Tracey Edmonds and the Case of the Stolen Screenplay

I began to suspect something was seriously amiss when I was awakened from a sound sleep by  a phone call at 1:00 AM.

“I was just wondering if you had thought of anything else we would do to sell the screenplay?” A vaguely familiar voice said.

“Calvin, What time is it?”

“Oh, I’m sorry were you sleeping?”

“Of course”.

“Did I wake Casey too?”

“Whuh,” I stammered almost forgetting that I had named my pretend boyfriend Casey.

“Um, no he’s sleeps like a log,” I said.

“I really want to get moving on this thing, If Tony doesn’t get the money we can just go somewhere else.” he said. He suddenly seemed to be breathing heavy.

“We’ve already sent it everywhere else”, I said, confused.

“Are you still working on the Pindling script?”

“Well yes, it’s an awful lot of research”, I said. “Look, I was sleeping so…”

For a moment all I heard was anxious breathing, he sounded almost as though he was going to cry.

“Eliza, I just want to get moving with this. I can’t take anymore of this, bullshit.  Call me if you think of anything.”

He hung up.  I fell back to sleep almost immediately, but I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell he had been talking about exactly.  Why had he been so nervous? What was going on?

I made an attempt at writing the white washed version of the Pindling screenplay, but nothing would come.

I made my reservations for Pitchfest and called Calvin to suggest he do the same. He told me that he wasn’t going to be able to afford it. He told me that he had lost his job and was looking for another one. When I asked him why, he said that they had said he tried to steal some jewelry.  He sounded awfully guilty when he said it. He told me that he might have to go back to the  Bahamas for a bit.

Although it sounds terrible to say, I felt kind of relieved. maybe this could all be over. I still wanted to go to Pitchfest to try to see if I could sell our script, but I wasn’t so sorry to be getting rid of creepy Calvin.

A few days later he called me and told me that he was able to stay in the United States and that he was starting a new job soon.  A few days after that He called and asked if I wanted to see the film Brokeback Mountain  with him. I told him I didn’t really want to see it  as I was opposed to all the rodeo scenes in the film. The scenes involved bull riding and I was sure that animals had been hurt in the process of making the movie. I also hate anything that’s gotten too much press and publicity.

There had been many gay love story films before and the press was acting like this was the first one. Calvin told me the main reason he wanted to see it was because of all the hype: this was the main difference between me and Calvin. He kept begging me to go. He was too homophobic to want to go see it alone (I’m not kidding) and Will had headed for Hollywood so he didn’t have anyone else to go with. I finally caved in.

On our way back from the movies he showed  me a script of a short that he said was by some screenwriter in Vegas. He said she had asked him to play the lead role.  It was about a black man who crawls in through the bathroom of a window in a suburban home and appears to rape the white woman inside.  A neighbor calls the police and he is shot to death, It turns out that they were husband and wife  acting out a fantasy. It was little more than porn. It also didn’t make any sense, because the neighbor should have recognized the man when she saw him climb through the window. I was sure Calvin had written it himself.  I coldly told him that I didn’t think he should do it.

A week later I called Calvin at lunch time to let him know my plans were firm for Pitchfest. He told me that he signed an agreement to produce Cable Call Center with Tony.

“Tony got his money”? I asked in shock.

“No, he didn’t get it yet. I just signed an agreement between the two companies that says he can produce it if he gets the money.”

“So is it like an option?” I asked.

“What’s an option?”

‘Oh my God, ‘ I thought. ‘he doesn’t know what an option is.’

“That’s like when you  sign an agreement with someone to have the exclusive right to produce your film if they want to “.

“Yes, It’s like that”, he said.

“Did he give you any money for this?” I asked.

“No, no one has any money  yet.”

“How long is the option for,” I said trying to control the panic attack that was developing.

“There is no time limit”.

“So you optioned our screenplay for an indefinite period of time for no money?”

“Well, yes, but they will get the money soon and ..”

“Calvin, How do you know this”? I almost screamed. Several co-workers looked my way.

“I just have faith in them”.

But, now I can’t pitch Cable Call Center at pitch fest.

“Why not”?

“Because you gave them the exclusive rights to our work. ”

“I’ll call them right now,” he said.

Ten minutes later I got a call back  saying that he had in fact signed an exclusive, indefinite agreement for no money. I wanted to kill him. I told him that I actually wrote the screenplay, both of our names were on it and I didn’t agree to that. I told him that he had no right to sell my work. He hung up on me .

He e-mailed me saying that I was just a rewriter and I would be paid accordingly. I told him we were registered as co-writers with the WGA. He said that I was a liar and a thief. He called me an idiot and I told him that he had no right to call anyone an idiot when he didn’t even know what he was signing.

I got a lawyer named Peter. He was a criminal attorney who was transitioning into entertainment law. I couldn’t afford a real entertainment attorney. All I wanted him to do was write a letter and follow it up with a call he agreed to do this for $100 and the experience. I figured the dim-witted Calvin would shit himself if he knew I actually had representation.

A week later I got a call from Peter saying that Calvin said he never got the letter. He said he tried to talk to Calvin, but he would not stop screaming at him.

He said he talked to Tony as well. Tony told him that he was absolutely getting the money and that this would be a movie.

Peter asked how many hours I put into the screenplay. I told him about ninety. He said that I should bill Calvin $15.00 an hour and be done with it. I told him that Calvin would never agree to that. Even if he did we would never see the money. I told him that I was not at all confident that Tony was getting the money. Peter said he sounded really confident and he would have no reason to lie.  I  decided that this was true. I hadn’t lived in Los Angeles yet and I didn’t know  that necessity had nothing to do with deception there.

Peter talked to Tony again. he said that they were willing to do a deal where Tony’s company would pay me as a re-writer. My deal would be strictly with them and the would pay me $9000 dollars for the job. We signed the agreement and Peter told me that we should get the money within six moths. He would get 40% of course as his fee for writing the contract.

I went to Pichfest and pitched Surface and another script I wrote called Sleepwalking. I was repeatedly told that Surface was too much like Pretty Persuasion. (g’rrr).IA few people read Sleepwalking, but no one bought it.

I anxiously awaited the money. I called Peter once a month, but he never knew anything. eventually, Peter stopped taking my calls. I got frustrated. I looked up Tony’s company on IMDB again and I tracked down Ric who was  that wrestler that was the subject of the one documentary Tony had produced. He was a fairly well-known guy, he even had his own show on the travel channel.

I called his office and he called me back himself.  We talked for an hour. He said that there never really was a documentary they just talked about it. He told me they kept telling him that the money was coming in one months then two months then three. He said they had weekly meeting and a year went by, but nothing happened. eventually he asked to be taken off of IMDB. They refused to take him off and he was in the process of suing them.

I emailed Peter telling him what I had learned and he never wrote back.

A year later I got a call from Peter saying he just talked to Calvin and Calvin was experiencing some of the same frustrations with Tony that I had experienced. He said that Calvin claimed to have been to Los Angeles and that Tracey Edmonds (I’m not kidding) was interested in producing Cable Call Center.   They said they wanted me to do another rewrite of the screenplay. I asked if he had talked to anyone in Tracey Edmonds’ office or if he was just taking Calvin’s word for it.  He said so far he had only talked to Calvin.  I told him that I thought Calvin the ex call center employee turned jewelry store employee turned bus boy would be the last person Mrs. Eddie Murphy would associate with. I told him that Calvin couldn’t afford a ticket to LA or a pot to piss in. If he was going to make stuff up he should read Variety and find a person who was a bit more obscure. anyone who watches ET knows Tracey Edmonds.

Peter said he would call Calvin and ask if one of us could talk to Tracey Edmonds. He called me back the next day and Calvin said that I would have to go through him  directly or no deal. I told Peter I didn’t want anything more to do with Calvin. Peter tried to tell me I should write it because of all the work he had done on my contract for free, Seriously! He was trying to make me feel guilty, I told him  that I couldn’t believe he would listen to anything Calvin had to say. I told him that I had repeatedly tried to contact him and that he had never returned a call.

I never heard from either one of them again, Years later I Googled Calvin and saw a poorly photo shopped picture of him With Sidney Poitier.

I thought the drama was over – until I moved to Los Angeles.

Advertisements

Sidney Poitier, Masturbation and Make Believe!

I came across the ad in the Westword (Denver sister of the LA Weekly). “Actors wanted for short film set in call center. Call for details”. With as close as I’d come to Hollywood success, I’d never even been on a movie set before. I decided that if I wanted to pursue film, I should at least get my feet wet by getting some sort of practical experience. I realized that I was probably going to get rejected because of the way that I looked, but I figured I would try. Maybe they had a crowd scene, or maybe they needed behind the scenes help.

I called the number and a man with a slight accent answered the phone. He told me that the film was being made as a pitch of a full length movie. He warned me that some people had been offended by it as there was a lot of sexuality in it. He said it was basically a mockumentary and I would be playing a call center employee. I asked if there was an audition he said no, I could just come over to his house on Tuesday and he would have a part for me. H’mm, was I going to be abducted: it seemed unlikely. To be on the safe side, I had a friend drive me to his house and make sure everything was ok. We arrived to find the door wide open and a whole bunch of people gathered in the living room.

I was greeted by Calvin, the filmmaker, a heavy-set Bahamian man of about thirty-five. He handed me a script and told me that I would be playing Michelle, a new call center employee. I was introduced to Will, a strikingly handsome , 21-year-old who was to be my scene partner. The scene entailed Will’s character training me. In the midst of my training he gets a dirty phone call and asks me to assist him in preparing to masturbate. Not only was the scene ridiculously over the top, but we were both very miscast. He was far to young for the role of the supervisor and, as I look like Tom Petty and he looks like a model, it was hard to believe that anyone would think he would harass me. I thought the dialog was awful, but I held my tongue. I reminded myself that I was there to learn; nothing more.

Will and I rehearsed for about two hours. He had to take his pants off one point and he was very uncomfortable doing this. As the other actors rehearsed their scenes around us I noticed that most of the scenes had to do with sex and almost none of them had anything to do with call center work. None of the dialog was funny at all. I began to wonder what I had gotten myself into. We were told to go over our lines and be there the following Saturday for the filming of the movie. I was shocked that I had been given such a big part.

Calvin drove me home. He told me that he had worked in a cable call center for a year and a half and that’s what inspired the film. He said he knew a production company in California that might be interested in producing the film. I mentioned that I had written a screenplay and he asked me if I would be interested in rewriting the screenplay for his film. I told him I would think about it and that I would bring a copy of my screenplay to the filming. He was very flirtatious on the way home. I strongly implied that I was not interested. He did not seem to pick up on it.

I arrived at Calvin’s house the following Saturday. I was to play two different characters. The trainee and an old lady complaining about her cable bill. We spent 24 hours filming it. I got the giggles when we shot our scenes. Will stumbled over his lines.

Calvin seemed very disorganized. He didn’t really give us any direction. The camera man seemed to know what he was doing. He told me that he had worked on several sports news shows.

On the day of the filming several of the actors read my screenplay and said they loved it. Calvin also said he liked it and asked if he could send it to that production company in LA. He said he would be interested in having me rewrite the original screenplay to” Cable Call Center”. A couple of the actors on the film were actually pretty good. One woman named Stephanie stood out as having especially good timing. Will told me that she was the estranged sister of some guy who produced, “Party of Five”.

I read the whole screenplay and found it to be riddled with fart jokes and sex gags. There was absolutely no plot at all it was all just scenes of agents taking various calls. I actually liked the idea of just doing skits of phone calls I also liked the idea of a mockumentary. I Told Calvin that my sense of humor was very different than his and that if I were to do the rewrite it would be almost completely different. I rewrote the first scene to the best of my ability and he told me to go ahead and rewrite the whole thing and we would submit it around as co writers.

It occurred to me that I could just write my own screenplay about call centers. I had entertained the idea before, but I couldn’t think of a plot.  I didn’t think of going from call to call the way Calvin did I decided it wouldn’t be ethical to take his general idea so I agreed to do it. There was some self-interest involved in this, Calvin had started his own production company (it was a legitimate LLC and everything) and I could use his recommendation.

I wrote one page a night for three months. I gave it a plot in which an earnest young man who works at the call center is making a documentary about his coworkers. I tried to stick to Calvin’s request to make it very commercial and conventional. I gave it a romantic sub-plot and lots of simple-minded humor. I had an action subplot about a cable repair man who gets chased thought the city. I showed it to a few of my call center co workers and they liked it. We registered it under both our names with the WGA.

We began to make plans to attend another pitch fest. Calvin sent the screenplay to those producers he knew in California. I looked them up on IMDB and they had done one documentary about a wrestler. We entered it in a contest, I also sent it to a man named Dylan who was the friend of Stephanie’s the “Party of Five” guy’s sister. Dylan was a somewhat successful writer of movie trailer scripts and a fairly well-known comedian, he even wrote for the Huffington Post.

I was a bit leery to go to Pitchfest with Calvin. He continued to hit on me constantly. I made up a boyfriend; I even had a friend of mine poise as said boyfriend at the screening of Calvin’s film but, nothing would discourage him. If I said I was tired he would ask if it was because of sex. I told him I didn’t like The Wedding Crashers that much and he asked if I liked the scene where one of the principles gets a hand job. He was incorrigible.

After about six weeks I got a response from Stephanie’s friend Dylan; He loved my screenplay. He said he saw fully developed characters, where he hadn’t seen them before. He said he saw funny jokes where before he had seen none. I was thrilled. I wrote to Calvin and said “He loved it!” Unfortunately, I accidentally sent the e-mail to Dylan. I am a female Larry David.

The producer in California wrote back and said he loved  “Surface” and  “Cable Call Center”. Calvin called me and told me that they might be interested in producing it when they got their funding. He told me that they were trying to produce a film about the life of Lynden Pindling the former prime Minister of the Bahamas’. He showed me a prospectus for the film which was very detailed and over 300 pages long. He said that Pindling had been best friends with Sidney Poitier when they were kids and that Poitier was interested in producing the film.

“No way” I said thinking this sounded way, way to good to be true.

“Not only that, but I talked to Sidney on the phone”, Calvin told me.

“You talked to Sidney Poitier on the phone?”

“Yes”, he said without a moment’s hesitation.

“What did you call him?”

“I called him Sidney”

“But, isn’t he a Knight, aren’t you supposed to call him sir?”

He just laughed.

The whole thing sounded pretty suspicious. Calvin was a former call center employee who was working in a jewelry store, what did a real production company in LA want with him? Calvin said that a local radio talk show host in Denver had introduced them. He said the host was interested in helping black artist to network. I talked to Tony on the phone. I didn’t know what to ask him I just wanted to make sure he was real. He told me that he was pretty sure they would be getting funding soon and that they might be interested in both screenplays when they did. I told him I’d keep my fingers crossed for him. I asked him how he knew Sidney Poitier and he said he had been interested in writing about Pindling and sent the prospectus to Sidney’s production company as Sidney and the Prime Minister had been classmates.

Calvin gave me Pindling biography. Pindling was the first black Prime Minister of the Bahamas whose career ended in scandal when NBC ran a story about him accepting bribes from Columbian drug dealers. The book Calvin gave me was extremely slanted in Pindling’s favor. He also gave me the government report which detailed shocking instances of blatant flagrant drug trafficking. Pindling was clearly guilty. I got the distinct impression that Calvin and Tony wanted me to write a script in which I made it look as though he had been framed. I told Calvin I was not comfortable with this. He told me the only reason Poitier wanted to do the film was to clear Pindling’s name.

I felt very frustrated. I wanted to write the screenplay; it was a great story that no one knew about. It was full of sex, drugs racial controversy and international politics; it almost wrote itself. But, I couldn’t write the real story if I ever hoped to see it on film. It occurred to me that I could just write my own screenplay about the real Pindling, but I felt guilty; I never would have known about any of this if it hadn’t been for Calvin.

I wrote the first couple of scenes. But, my efforts were cut short. As I worked on the Pindling screenplay Calvin was busy doing something unbelievable stupid.  I didn’t know it , but I was falling down a rabbit hole out of which I would never fully climb.

Hope Begins to Die and Samuel Goldwyn Profits

My foray into screenwriting began twenty two years ago right after I saw the movie Dogfight, the tale of a young marine who has a contest with his friends to see who can invite the ugliest girl to a party. The girl played by Lily Taylor finds out about the contest and tells the Marine, played by River Phoenix , off. They proceed to spend the night walking around San Francisco. They fall in love and she looses her virginity to him. The movie pissed me off. I went home and wrote an angry short story about a girl who is invited to a dog fight and murders the boy who invited her. I stuck it in a drawer and thought no more about it; it was therapy.
Ten years later I saw the film Adaptation for the first time. The semi true story of an insecure writer who is commissioned to adapted the book “The Orchid Thief” for the screen. Much of the film dealt with the writer’s contempt for Hollywood clichés. I could relate. I had always preferred independent films myself. I hated movies where the guy and the girl, meet cute hate each other then realize they love each other. I couldn’t stand it when the characters grew up completely due to a single life changing incident. I also don’t believe anyone grows and when people do change, its not always for the better. I too hated all the ridiculous plot twists and think a simple human story is more interesting. I fell in love with Charlie a bit, although he had been fictionalized. I have to question how I would have felt if I had known that the real Kaufman is 5’2 and about a hundred pounds with a bad Jewfro and glasses, bearing no resemblance Nicolas Cage who plays him in the movie.
The very fact of the extremely appealing Mr. Cage playing Kaufman is another thing I hate about Hollywood; it glamorized everything. Prostitutes were beautiful grown women instead of pre teen run –a-ways, Women who had been alone forever were portrayed by stunningly beautiful actresses. We were asked to believe they were alone because they were married to their careers. In real life the women I’d known who had been alone for years, myself included, were all goofy looking, nominally employed chicks. In the movies men were often wrought with one moral conflict or another, they would have a crisis of conscience and end up doing the right thing. In real life I had witness greed beyond belief. I rarely if ever saw anyone so much as question their stock market investments, jobs or the moral beliefs of those close to them.
After seeing the movie four times in one week I got it into my head that I too could write a screenplay. I would change all those Hollywood clichés. I would be the voice of the ugly woman! I took the short story out of my desk drawer and over the coarse of the year, turned it into a screenplay about an ugly girl with a tennis playing trophy wife step mom and a sister who is a model. The girl is invited to a dogfight, kills the boy who invited her as well as his friend. She then makes it look as if the two boys are having an affair and frames a third boy for the murder. When the media picks up on the story the gay rights movement of the nineties is born. The girl uses the media attention on the case to advance herself. She profits from her crime and becomes a producer of reality television shows.
I timidly began to shop it around. Oh, I never showed it to anyone I knew. I entered it into a contest or two and never heard back. I discovered something called a Pitchfest. Which was an event held in Los Angeles where people from all over the country went to pitch their stories to Hollywood producers. Tickets to the event were $375 and it would cost at least $400 to fly to LA and spend the night in a hotel. I decided it was a ridiculous thing to do. The screenplay was for an underground film at best and I didn’t think it warranted any kind of investment.
About a week later I went gambling in the mountains with a friend of mine. I made a silent promise to myself that if I won big I would go to Pitchfest . I felt that there was absolutely no chance of this happening . I put a dollar in the machine and won $775.00 exactly. I was extremely freaked out. I bought my tickets the next day.
I arrived in LA a month later. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. I expected to fail miserably. I couldn’t sleep all night before the Pitchfest. The writers started arriving at 5:00 a.m. to sign up to pitch to the various production companies that would be attending the fest. Each production company would listen to fifty seven minute pitches. It was like speed dating . At the time I thought it was exciting. Now I realize it was part of the Hollywood Caste system. In spite of the exorbitant amount of money the writers had paid to attended the festival they still had to vi for a position in for the very chance at talking to some nothing little d boy schmuck from the production company. If we were lucky enough to get a spot we would get to pitch our story and hope the loser would agree to look at it.
I was so nervous during my first pitch session that I actually stuttered a bit. The man I pitched my screenplay to actually felt sorry for me and agreed to read my script. I pitched my script to a total of twenty five companies and received seven script request (more than anyone else). I was sure that I was in. One of the companies that requested a script was Samuel Goldwyn, I was thrilled, almost no one got a request from them.
I returned to Denver and sent out seven copies of my screenplay. I waited impatiently to hear back. I spent many a day fantasizing about what it would be like when my screenplay sold and I was a successful screenwriter. I never heard back from any of them.
A year later I sent my screenplay around to several agents. I got them all directly from the Writers Guild of America website so I knew they were “legit”. There was a woman named Jennnette who was starting a new agency. I thought I might have a chance with her. I got a call from her a month later saying she wanted to represent me. I was thrilled. I told everyone I knew. She sent me a contract and I was sure that I was in. I considered moving to Los Angeles right then .
I didn’t hear anything from her for three months. I emailed her at one point to check on the progress . She emailed back saying,
“we took a pass on this several months ago.”
I went out of my mind. I called her screaming that we had a signed contract with one another. She called me back and said she couldn’t find the contract. I faxed it to her and she apologized. I began to get regular newsletters from her. I talked to a couple of her other clients who said she had not managed to sell anything for them. A year later I got a letter from her saying she would not be renewing my contract. I was at about this time that Samuel Goldwyn released the film Pretty Persuasion about a Beverly Hills High school girl being raised by a tennis playing trophy mom who lies about a teacher molesting her and becomes famous in the process. I noticed a few similarities to my screenplay, but not really enough for a lawsuit.
That’s the thing a lot of people don’t understand about the theft process in Hollywood . They don’t steal your whole screenplay, they just lift certain elements out of various screenplays and put their own name on it.
The film was a flop. The girl, played by beautiful Evan Rachel Wood was completely unbelievable as a high-school reject. High school rejects don’t look like her, they look like me and the character I created for my screenplay.
In spite of all this I didn’t give up. I still wanted to see my characters come to life. What would happen next would be yet another lesson in who to trust and an example of blatant stupidity on the part of everyone involved.

John Cusack and the Hollywood Redemption

My story of Hollywood failure begins long before I ever tread The Walk of Fame or worked background on a TV show; it begins with me as a lonely only child watching one old movie after another and dreaming of a day when I would escape the constant bickering of my paranoid parents.

I would watch Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, I knew the lyrics to every song in every musical. I tried to teach myself to dance.  I went through a period of wanting to be a boy, it wasn’t a gay thing; boys got all the meaty parts. I watched The Graduate over and over again and imagined a day when I would play someone just like Benjamin Braddock.

It is not unusual for a child (or anyone else) to want to be an actor. Almost everyone has at one time or another wanted to be somebody else. Who wouldn’t want a job where you have the rapt attention of an audience? Who wouldn’t want someone to cheer for them when they performed their job correctly? But, to me there was a deeper appeal; acting offered something that life didn’t – a resolution.  Oh, I’m not talking about a happy ending. I grew up in the seventies and few films or plays offered the happy ending.  I just longed for some kind closure as a kid.

Although my parents fought endlessly they never got divorced. When the other kids at school taunted me, I wanted the director to yell cut so I could wipe the tears away and take a bow for my heartfelt performance. I had just enough interest in science to want to play a doctor. I had enough passion for justice to want to play a lawyer, although I would never have the intelligence or patience to be one in real life.   I wanted that harrowing scene in the courtroom where everything was changed by my words. I wanted to be Woodward and Bernstein, I wanted the glory of exposing the bad guy, but I didn’t want to have to do all the leg work and research it would take to accomplish this – I didn’t have enough interest in anything for that. I wanted the thrill of the catch!

Growing up in Chicago offered a wealth of opportunities for a young acting hopeful. My parents grudgingly enrolled me in The Jack and Jill school of Acting. It was pretty well know as Harvey Korman from The Carol Burnett show had studied there as a child. I played a lost boy in the production of Peter Pan. The teacher seemed to think I had potential and I was good at line memorization. When we moved to Evanston I enrolled in the famed, Piven Theater Workshop (Jeremy’s dad owned it). Where I took improv classes. The teacher always seemed to like what I did, but I was never picked to be in any of their shows. You see I looked just a bit different than a typical actress looked.

I grew into a rather unfortunate physic. Although blonde and blue eyed my head had grown into a strange square shape. I was chubby and flat-chested. At the age of twelve I had child bearing hips and hair that was baby fine and riddled with cowlicks. I just wasn’t believable as a leading lady. Leading ladies tended to be the romantic interest of the leading man. The seventies open the door for unconventional looking actors as long as they were male.

A man could be interesting and attractive if he was funny and smart. So long as one possessed these qualities, one could obtain the virtually interchangeable “girl”. Think I’ve being glib? I give you The Paper Chase, The Graduate, The Verdict, Annie Hall ,  Atlantic City, The Conversation, The Godfather and on and on. They were all masterpieces and they were all had unconventional looking male anti-hero’s.

I wasted a good amount of my time wishing I were pretty and trying to make the transformation happen – it never did. In high-school my classmates included Jeremy Piven, John Cusack, Joan Cusack, and Steve Pink.  John was Jeremy’s best friend and a star in Piven Theater Workshop Productions. John Hughes discovered John and John and his sister got parts in all his movies. John secured parts for several of his friends in these films. Eventually they would follow him to Hollywood where Jeremy and Joan would appear in his films and Steve would act as a producer.

So if I was so interested in acting and I knew John Cusack, an actor famous for making his friends stars , why didn’t I simply befriend Mr. Cusack? Well tall, dark handsome boys don’t generally hang with goofy looking chicks, who have learning disabilities and two friends; Jeremy would occasionally even taunt me. I got to watch as John and his crew became more famous and live out my dream.

I moved to Denver and went to college for a bit, but I could never really feign an interest in my studies. As an adult I took to writing screenplays. It was my goal to write roles for female characters who were not pretty. I wrote one about an unattractive young woman who gets revenge on her cruel classmates. I sent it around and managed to get an agent, but she dumped me when she couldn’t sell it.

Eventually, I would decide to head to Los Angeles, in spite of everything I still had to try and see if I could change things in a way that might benefit women like me. On my strange journey I would encounter an illiterate producer who would option a screenplay of mine for no money and an indefinite period of time, a theater owner who resembled comic bookstore guy on The Simpsons, a Willy Lomanesque porn star, the dumbest “intellectual” I ever met, a delusional Script Analyst, two slumlords, a plethra of incompotent but cute business people, a real life Broadway Danny Rose, the worst actress in the world and many, many a religious zelot.  I would  be taken advantage of in a way I thought only happened in the movies and lied to by people who considered lying a sport.

In spite of everything I don’t regret my time in LA, it gave me a great story to tell, so sit back and get ready for a tale that gets curiouser or and curiouser.