The Reality Show in Tad’s Head (The End)


The show began with a montage of Caroline’s past relationships and crushes; including what she thought was a particularly telling infatuation she had with Matthew Perry who she always thought Tad resembled. Camera man got a few shots of women in the audience nodding their heads in sympathy.
They cut to her narrating their meeting at the party. She said she’d never seen eyes so blue. Tad came on and began narrating as well. He said she seemed sweet and shy.
“How did you do that”, she whispered to director.
“We just pulled an image of him from you memory bands and extracted various sound bites and visual clips. After he has his dream where he sees the show his memory of what he was thinking and feeling at the time will be forever changed”.
Caroline had the strong urge to kiss director.
The audience roared with laughter at Caroline’s comments about the first time they had sex. They laughed harder when Tad said he got the impression she was not very experienced and he had taught her a thing or two.
Camera man took a few shots off men in the audience looking angry when he betrayed her in front of her father. He got a shot or two of Dora laughing at him attempting to shave the hair off his back and clipping his toenails right in front of Caroline.
The show ended with Caroline crying over their break up at work a month after it happened. Director yelled cut and the panel members turned their seats around and faced the audience. There was an empty seat right next to Caroline. They took a volunteer from the audience to read Tad’s lines off a teleprompter. Director assured Caroline that they would CG in an image of Tad over the audience member.
“Do I get a SAG Voucher for this”? The audience member inquired.
“Of course, old sport”, director said planning to make a fake voucher on his computer.

Director handed Dan rather the microphone and Mr. Rather took quite naturally to his hosting duties.

“Were back”, he said, “and we have a panel of Tad experts here on our panel please welcome Tad’s dream girl, Dora” The audience screamed and wolf whistled.
Tad’s bedwetting psychiatrist Dr. Applewood!” the audience clapped and laughed.
“Crystal, Tad’s “next” girlfriend who dumped him, The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, Professor Dansworth and The Brothers of Alpha Gamma Gamma”, there were polite applause.
“Miss Caroline”, the audience went wild.
“And of course, Tad, the audience was dead silent.
The panel members took turns berating Tad.
Dora said she was disgusted with Tad’s terrible behavior. She said she was seriously thinking of becoming a lesbian after seeing his back hair and asked one off the cheerleaders if she’d like to go out for coffee.
Crystal and Caroline laughed over Tad’s sexual shortcomings and discussed whether or not is insecurity came from the fact that is penis was so small. They argued about whether or not his mother had been the one to ruin his ability to learn and rely on himself or if he actually suffered from some sort of mental deficiency.
The cheerleaders laughed and whispered amongst themselves.
Dr. Applewood said Tad’s childhood drawings indicated a burgeoning psychosis.
“I wasn’t too worried about it; he wouldn’t have been smart enough to get away with it.”
The audience roared with laughter and applause.
When it came Tad’s turn to defend himself, the atmosphere grew chilly and serious.
“I loved Caroline, I did. But, after a while it seemed like we were just fighting all the time.”
“Oh, come on Tad, weren’t you picking fights with her so she would leave you and you wouldn’t have to admit you were cheating on her “, an audience member asked.
‘”Caroline just seemed lazy. I wanted to be with someone who works as hard as I do .”
“What, you’re unemployed!” Caroline said. The audience roared with laughter.
The show ended with Dr. Applewood stating that Tad was exactly the same as the pathetic Eight-year-old who couldn’t stop wetting the bed, Caroline saying she was happy to be rid of him. The cheerleaders doing a step routine in Caroline’s honor.
Editor and director quickly put the finishing touches on the show. As Tad closed his eyes to go to sleep, the crew slipped the tiny computer with the DVD inside right behind Tad’s eyes so he would be sure to see it in his R.E.M sleep.
Caroline and the crew exited through Tad’s left ear. They ran out of his bedroom and into the street where they returned to their normal sizes. The panelist returned to their respective places in Tad’s memory.
The audience members stayed in Tad’s head and waited to be paid. They waited and waited. A few of them began to worry because they were told the M& M’s were only good for one days. None of the audience members complained about how long it was taking because they didn’t want to be blacklisted by the company that hired them.
Tad’s dreamt the show that night. He wolk up with a start. It sounded like a gun had gone off. He didn’t know it, but the audience had exploded in is brain.

“A researcher from Bullitt Marketing sat in the comfy armchair in Match in Mind’s.waiting room. The woman sat across from him looking quite satisfied with herself.
“I don’t get it” he said. “There were cookies in the candies. Like cookie flavored M&M?”
“No, not that kind of cookie. Like in a computer, sort of. When the object carrying the cookie destructs the cookie is left in the subjects head and Blasé voilà, our client has a brand ambassador, saboteur and assassin all rolled into one.”
“Brilliant.” The researcher said. We would love to invest”.
The woman and the researcher walked into her office and closed the door.


The Reality Show in Tad’s Head (part 9)

toy bus

Meanwhile, back at the ear Editor and Caroline were hurriedly trying to edit the footage they had acquired from Tad’s memory bands. Caroline wanted to include a montage of Tad’s flaws and various stupid comments that he’d made. Editor insisted they didn’t have time and that Director didn’t okay it. Aside from the montage he grudgingly complied with her wishes and comments. He looked straight ahead at the computer screen as she pointed out where she wanted to insert her own editorial comments.

Editor didn’t even crack a smile when she mentioned what a Rhodes Scholar Tad was for thinking Brazilian’s spoke Spanish. He stared stoically at her when she laughed at Tad’s credit card getting rejected on Valentine’s Day.

“He just thought he was so much better than everyone else and that he was so self-reliant. He’s such a loser.”

Editor just shook his head.

Cameraman woke up from his third nap of the day and began setting up the “journal room”, which was basically just a chair and a plain black backdrop that had been found in the memory of Tad’s first job as a photographer’s assistant. Caroline sat in front of the background and made various statements that would help narrate the show.

For the first date footage she commented. “Through the whole date I kept thinking he was way too hot for me.”

For the second date footage she said with a laugh, “he chewed with his mouth open”.

“He thought he was such an intellectual, but it’s pretty hard to take someone’s thoughts on Kant seriously when they have egg salad on their nose.”

For the scene where he met her parents she said, “He knew how important my father’s opinion was to me; how could he humiliate me like that “, she said beginning to cry.

She added comments for director to use as he wished.

“I realize now that I confused his anger with personal depth” She said, thinking she sounded rather insightful.

“He was just a spoiled child who hated himself and wanted to take it out on women”, she said thinking of an Oprah episode she had seen a long time ago.

“I knew what a prick he was by then. Instead of just leaving I wondered what it said about me if even a ridiculous, unsuccessful prick didn’t love me.” She said sadly.

“You can’t say prick”, editor said looking up from the comic book he had been reading.

“Oh come on, everyone in this head is over twenty one, it’s definitely an R rated show…”

“It’s just company policy”.

“I thought I had final say’ I’m the producer, sort of, I mean it’s my money.”

“You can ask Director when he gets back, but I’m sure he’ll say no”. He said coldly.

Editor began inserting the comments in the places that Caroline had instructed him to.  Cameraman began setting up an area for the audience to sit.

They all nervously checked watches and cell phones.

“Audience is here,” Cameraman said, looking into the distance.

A tiny toy bus that Tad had swallowed when he was two was making its way up the bile duct. The bus stopped near the eye and about twenty or so attractive young people in cheap business attire got off followed by a short chubby main holding a microphone who gave them the once over and told them where to sit.

“Hey, who’s on this show? “ Caroline heard one of them say to the other.

“Who cares, I can pay rent now. Do you know if Central has anything for tomorrow?”

“Man, we had to get photo approved for this?” one of the more ordinary looking men said. “I had to come because I haven’t worked in six weeks. Having to eat body shrinking candy and jump down a man’s throat for a measly $8 bucks an hour has to be some kind of a union violation”.

“So, I like it,” a thin man sitting in front exclaimed as if he was trying to be heard, “What other job gives you candy and a free show and the chance to be on TV!”

“Who would do this for minimum wage? Where did they get these people?” Caroline asked.

“Los Angeles”. Editor said.

With this Director, Dan Rather, Dora, Dr. Applewood and a host of assorted authority figures, unattainable women and frat brothers came walking towards the eye. They sat in the front row off the audience. The short chubby man entertained the crowd with a few jokes while director put a few finishing touches on the show.

“Director”, Caroline asked, “Why can’t we swear “?

“Oh, nothing to worry about love. The sponsor wanted it that way is all”.

“What sponsor”?

Director did not answer her, but instead took to the stage.

Welcome everyone! This is the pilot episode of The Real Tad!”

The audience went wild. Caroline took her place in the front row wondering what director meant about a sponsor.

The Reality Show in Tad’s Head (part. 8)


Dan Rather and Director traveled down the narrow path of Tad’s memory .Director was attempting to find Tad’s imagination on the map.

“Sorry, mate, this blasted thing is impossible to read.  He said.

“This meeting is for what exactly”, Dan Rather asked, somewhat impatiently.

“Oh, we need your opinion as to whether or not we should produce this writer’s show. We need you to tell us if the characters are sympathetic and so on and so forth. We were thinking you could host a panel discussion”.

“So were just walking around in his brain, have you ever heard of a spec script?”

“Well, the spec was great but we want to know what future episodes will be like.”

“I see and you don’t want to actually have to pay him to write them until you see if it works.”

“Yes”, Director said realizing he had stumbled on to something diabolically brilliant.

“Well, okay I supposes, it does sound interesting. Is there a payphone in this head? I want to call my wife and tell her I’ll be late for dinner”.

“You mean you don’t have a cellphone?”

“A what”?

“Oh That’s right your from 1980”. Um, we’ll see that your wife gets word.”

“Where is the meeting room?”

“It’s near the eyes. We need to stop by the imagination on the way. Another panel member is coming from there.”

“The panel members are coming from inside the writers head”, Dan Rather said becoming quite confused.

“Um, Well, yes sir un fortunately, the technology is quite new and it’s the only real way to get it done.”

“Won’t they be biased?”

“Well, um… Director thought for a moment.

“We’re trying to get all of his very harshest critics and the people whose opinion he values most together to judge the show”. Director admitted.

The two men made their way to a very small room which was strewn with candy wrappers and pornographic magazines. Naked women roamed about randomly touching one another’s breasts. In the center of everything there sat a tall thin brunette woman who resembled Elizabeth Hurley. She was reading Cosmopolitan and doing some sort of mouth exercises. She was sitting on a bed surrounded by basketball trophies.

“Can I help you with something” she said when she saw the two men enter the room.

“Yes, I’m looking for Tad’s dream girl. I take it that’s you?

“Why yes I’m Dora”, she said extending a hand.

“She’s a fraud,” one of the women screamed. I’m Tad’s dream girl.”

“I am ,  said another.

What can only be described as an extremely violent pillow fight broke out. Two of the women began wrestling and two began having what appeared to be a breast fight.

“Dora, Tad’s thought up a television show and he needs your opinion”, Director said.

“”Okay, let me just get dressed. She put on a G-string and a red lacy bra. She slipped into a form fitting nurse’s outfit.

The three of them snuck out of the room in the middle of the commotion.

“He’ll fit right in in Hollywood,” Dan Rather commented as they left the small imagination and headed for repressed memories.

The trio headed towards the back of the head to locate an authority figure from Tad’s early childhood. There was some artistic disagreement between Director and Dan Rather as to whether a cool kid or a teacher would be in order.

Director couldn’t take his eyes off Dora. He tried to concentrate on what Dan Rather was saying but he was distracted by the perfect ebb and flow of her behind.

They arrived at the subconscious to be greeted by a tall thin bearded man of about forty five.

“Hi, I’m doctor Applewood.  Are you new? Don’t tell me, he said to Dora, “ I bet your from that bar where they had trivia night and he was trying to impress you? I’ve never seen  a man play trivia so poorly.

“No, mate we’ve actually come for something else” Director interrupted. “We’re putting together a focus group about a TV show taking place in the brain. We need an authority figure. Do you know of anyone here?”

“Well, I might be a pretty good choice. I was Tad’s child Psychiatrist. Dr. Applewood said.

“What was wrong with him?” Dan Rather asked.

“What wasn’t” Dr. Applewood joked. “Bed wetting is what brought him in. “

“Yes, do join us. Caroline will be thrilled”, Director exclaimed.

They all headed to the intellect for a college professor.

The Reality Show in Tad’s Head (part. 7)

dan r
Caroline and the crew worked swiftly to gather footage from Tad’s memory Caroline sifted through memories of the Christmas party where Tad got roaring drunk. She selected the memory of his calling her fat in front of her father.
She rolled the dolly to that fateful day in mid-September when he was supposed to come pick her up to go on the boat ride and he never did. She got angrier and angrier as she watched him chatting with a woman on Facebook who lived in a neighboring city. He asked her out for coffee. Caroline cringed when the beautiful blonde showed up at Starbuck’s. She cried at his memory of the phone call that she made to him a week later where he told her that he thought they should “give things some time”. She realized she wasn’t surprised at all to learn the blonde had been in the room with him when he had taken the call. She closed her eyes when he carried the blonde into the bedroom saying “I’m free at last”. She rode the dolly far into the future in the hopes of finding a break up.
“Love”, she heard Director say.
“We’ve got to hurry we only have a day left”.
The crew sat on an eardrum eating some very tasty sandwiches Cameraman had procured from Tad’s memory off a family trip to Paris.
Director told editor where to make the cuts.

He left them to work while he went about the business of procuring audience members for the show. He headed far back into the narrow reaches of Tad’s memory to find the people whose opinion would be of the most importance.
He walked for what seemed like miles I until he came upon a memory of chubby hands fling out in front of Tad’s eyes. He seemed to be moving towards a rather chubby set of ankles that were attached to an equally chubby woman. All of a sudden, Tad’s line of vision got higher and higher. The woman gasped and screamed, “oh my God.”
Director realized this was Tad’s memory of his first steps. At first he thought Tad was walking toward his mother, but he quickly realize that he was walking toward the television set where Dan Rather was doing the news. He stared at the anchorman with great love and fascination.
‘He admires Dan Rather’, Director thought.
This presented a unique problem. Tad’s childhood memory of Dan Rather was a completely one sided one. Mr. Rather was simply an image on screen. It would be very hard to cut him, and edit him into an angry audience member, especially in the limited time that they had. Still though, Tad was so enthralled by him that he felt the show wouldn’t be complete without him.
Although he wasn’t sure if it was allowed director stepped onto the memory band and into the memory. Tad’s mother screamed and fainted. Tad began to cry. Director shook his head, walked over to the television set and knocked on it.
Mr. Rather.?”
“Yes”, said Dan Rather annoyed at having his broadcast interrupted.”
“ I was wondering if you could come out here for a minute” , director said in an apologetic tone.
“What for”?
“Well sir, I’m here on behalf of CBS. They want you to take a look at a new show”.
“Oh well. I’ll be done in a few minutes can it wait?”
Director heard Tad’s mother coming to behind him.
“No, sir we have to go right now.”
“Oh very well, but this is very irregular” Rather said stepping out of the television.
Director grabbed his hand and led him back to the pat that was just outside of the band. Tad’s mother fainted again.
“Where are we”, Dan Rather asked.
“We’re in the head of a writer, very advanced stuff”, Director said thinking fast.

The Reality Show in Tad’s Head part. 6


Editor looked at Caroline with distain.

“I doubt very much anything like that was running through your mind with the way you were carrying on”, he said.

“Seriously”, Caroline said losing her patents with him I tell you I was faking it in so many words and you still don’t believe me? The male ego knows no bounds.”

“No, I know you were faking it. But was your motivation really to watch Chelsea Lately; I think not. It’s very obvious that you have no respect for yourself or what you want all you care about is what this jack ass thinks of you that’s why we are here, isn’t it? You were faking it so he would think you were hyper sexual and would want to come back for more.”

Caroline blushed hotly and continued about her business. She edited out the time he was telling her about the software program he was writing and she fell asleep She edited out the times she called and hung up to see if he was home.

She landed on June 21st and took a deep breath. I’d like you to stop at 6:00 please: she said to camera man.

Tad was sitting on his sofa watching The History Channel and eating chips.

‘Maybe she’ll finally get a clue”. Tad’s inner voice said.

Caroline’s face turned white.

“Go back”, she said.

“How far”,  asked camera man.

“An inch”, she said.

She watched in horror as the thought played again.

“Maybe she’ll finally get a clue.”

Caroline began to cry.

“Are you ok, love?”. She heard director voice come from the darkness.

“I always knew it….” she sobbed.

“Knew what”, director said.

“That he forgot my birthday on purpose”.

Editor smirked and glared at her as she cried. Cameraman yawned and asked where she wanted to go next.

“What the fuck”, an unfamiliar voice said.

“What’s all this shit”?

“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience we’re filming a TV show,”, director said. You should be able to just walk on the inside of the tracks, they only go back about three year’s total.”

“Well I’ve got a long enough walk, asshole”. The voice shouted. Caroline heard the sound of a good solid punch. After a few minutes she saw a ghostly figure of a very big child coming towards her.

“What are you looking at, ugly”?, he said to her. “Haven’t you ever seen a repressed memory before?”

“No, not up close. I mean all mine are repressed so…”

He rolled his eyes.

“I used to beat Tad up in the 6th grade. I knocked out his front tooth. “

“Oh, okay! is that why he has that weird habit of touching his upper lip”, she asked.

“Yeah, that would be my handy work. Hey, wait, I know you. You used to date Tad.”

“Yes, that’s what the show about.”

Okay, I could see that. Sorry about all those performance issues he had, I mean guess you could say I’m partially responsible.

“Caroline, love we’re on a very tight schedule”, director said.

“Well, it was nice meeting you, but I have to get back to work.”

“”Hey, I don’t know if you’re doing anything later but there’s a really good bar upstairs in primal desires and….”

“I’d wish I could but I’m only gonna be here  a day and a half and I have to work the whole time.”

“Yeah, whatever”  the memory said and walked off.

The Reality Show in Tad’s Head part 5


It was then that Caroline began to experience a strange, intense double vision she saw her own memory in the distance and Tad’s memory, close up. Then, she hear a loud, unfamiliar voice say voice say,
Well, maybe, let’s go in for a look”.
“Did you say something?” She said to cameraman.
“No, still on break”
“Director did you say something”, she yelled to him.
“No, no love, you’re hearing Tad’s inner voice, or at least his memory of what he was thinking.”
“Oh my God, he’s coming over here”, she heard her own inter voice say.
“The butt’s a little too big, nice eye…pantyhose? Fuck it,’, Tad’s voice said ‘Caroline covered her ears, making her own memory of her internal voice ten times louder.
“Do I have spinach in my teeth? I think I have a little spinach in my teeth”, the voice screamed.”,
“She’s got spinach in here teeth,” Tad’s inner voice said.
“Um excuse me. Editor?” she called out.
“What’s going on?” He answered gruffly.
Um’ can we erase stuff from his memory?”
“You’ll find a red pen taped to the bottom of the dolly just mark off the image in the band you want erased.” She marked off the memory of her pantyhose and the spinach in her teeth.
Their thoughts drowned out their boring chit chat Tad couldn’t get his mind off the woman the red dress. He kept sneaking peeks at her as she worked her way around the room.
She remembered thinking that she had never seen such beautiful, kind eyes. She thought she knew him when she looked into them. Now, standing in his brain three years later she was appalled to see that he hadn’t listened to a single word she said.
She briefly marked off the scene’s she though were most incriminating and then had camera man role her to later on that night.
She felt horrified at Tad’s memory of their first sexual encounter.
“”God her tits are even smaller without the bra Is that a birth mark? Get some of that fake tanning stuff.
Everything she feared he was thinking was exactly what he was thinking. She had to even the score.

With the assistance of editor she inserted her thought bubbles over the action.
“God it’s small”. One bubble said.
“What am I an English saddle”, said another.
“Get a clue the screaming means I’m coming which means you can too, brains. Hurry, up Chelsea Lately is on in like five minutes”, a third proclaimed.
She grinned at editor as she typed them in he just rolled his eyes and did his job.
“Is that really what you were thinking”? He asked.
“Approximately”, she said.
It will entertain the audience anyway.
He shook his head and assisted director in pushing her several months into the future.

The Reality show in Tad’s Head – Part 4


Caroline considered what Director had said. She decided  he was right; there had to be a way of editing his memories in a way that would show him he would lose something he wanted because of the way he treated her.

“ Okay”,  Director said he just got into bed and if you look through the eyes there you can see he’s watching Letterman. He should drop off to sleep soon. Let’s start making our way to the frontal lobe.

The men began climbing towards the upper skull Caroline walked forward a bit. It had been quite a while since she’d been in this room, It looked like Tad had gotten a new TV and a new bedspread. Her stomach churned. Men purchased new linen for one reason. She figured that he probably hadn’t been celibate for the last year and a half, but it was different to see direct evidence right in her face. She found herself walking closer and closer to the lens.

Suddenly, she was thrown of her feet.  She rolled violently into the iris. (Although she didn’t know it this would cause Tad’s eyes to turn an even deeper blue than they already were.)

She saw a giant fist coming towards her. She screamed, but then realized he was simply rubbing his eyes.

“Caroline,” where are you”, she heard Editor calling.  She realized she had gotten turned around, she looked left and right, she realized she was lost in his eyes. She finally found her way back to the optic disc. Se shimmied up to the frontal lobe to join the others.

“I think we’ve located the memory bands, Caroline “Director said. We’ve set up dolly tracks, get on the dolly and will push you back into his first memory of you. Just tell cameraman where you want to stop. We can insert your version of the memory at any point just mark off the places you want your memory to go”, he said handing her a pen.

Caroline climbed on the dolly and began her journey deep into Tad’s memory. Cameraman, who was doubling as a grip, pushed the dolly.

“I tell union about this I am camera man for 14 years. An also want craft services”, He said as he huffed and puffed.

Caroline saw the last year and a half of Tad’s life whipping past her in reverse every meal he’d eaten every day at work, every song he’d listened to flew past her so quickly that it looked like an enormous blur. The months were labeled with large letters on the side of the frontal lobe.

She arrived at February of 2009; her heart stopped for a moment as camera man slowed down until he arrived at February 20th 8:00 PM.

Tad was standing in the bathroom brushing his teeth He was naked and was inspecting himself as he brushed.  Whole Lotta Love played lightly in the background and he did a few dances moves to it in the mirror.. He watched TV for about an hour and then he headed out the door.  He arrived at Jonathan Mencher’s birthday which was being held at a club downtown at 9:30. He had a  few drinks and sat at the bar talking to Jonathan and his girlfriend about a movie they’d seen. A dark haired woman in a white dress entered the room. Tad could not take his eyes off her. His gaze traveled the length of her body down her soft supple breasts to her long well-toned legs. He imagined walking across the room and kissing her.

Caroline’s closed her eyes. Who was that woman? She didn’t even remember her being at the party that night.

“Camera man can you pull me forward just like an hour?” Caroline said.

“On break”, camera man said.

She opened her eyes to find Tad’s fantasy had progressed to full blown sex. He had envisioned taking the woman on the bar room floor. When the fantasy was over he began walking toward the woman. Before he could get to her a man came up to her and kissed her. Tad looked down at his shoes. When he looked up he noticed Caroline Entering the bar and handing a present to Jonathan. He caught her looking at him several times in the next hour.

The Reality Show in Tad’s Head part. 3

Director got out a map and began to plan a route to the brain. They all gathered under the liver shielding themselves from falling tomato soup and bread.
“Let’s take the bile duct to the gallbladder and climb up the right lung”.
“Bile duct?” Caroline said.

“He’s right, it’s the fastest way to get there” Editor said regarding Caroline with a mean smile.
“Can’t we just travel up a blood stream?”
“It’s too dangerous; we’d be going straight upstream the whole time.”
“”not if we waited until he was lying down”, Caroline said hopefully.
“That will take too long, the drugs that shrank us, only last for two days.” Editor said.
“Maybe, he’ll take a nap”, She said hopefully.
“Get in the raft”, Director said.
Caroline closed her eyes and held her nose as they were splashed with the disgusting green bile. Suddenly there was a great title wave and they were all lifted into the air they came crashing down, Caroline screamed and got a mouth full of bile.
“What happened?”, she asked.
“Is, nothing; is belch”, cameraman said.
“Don’t , worry if you got some in your mouth, its actually good for you. It has taurine in it; just like most energy drinks”, Director said.
They arrived in Tad’s head just after midnight.
They all sat down and had their first production meeting.
I want him to see things as I remember them. I want a studio audience packed with people to tell him what he did was wrong.”
“What did he do, cheat on you” Editor asked with a knowing smile.
“I don’t know”, Caroline said. “He just got meaner and meaner and then he just left. I don’t think he feels any remorse.”
“Why didn’t you just ask him why he left, this must be coasting you a fortune”?
“Okay, Editor that’s enough.” Director said.
“I didn’t want to appear desperate”.
The four got to work cutting the memories from the small editing machine. Caroline felt embarrassed as they fast forwarded over the memories she had of herself singing in the shower and dancing in front of the bathroom mirror.
They got to the night where she met Tad at a New Year’s Eve Party.
Her heart dropped into her stomach when she saw him standing there looking at her like she was the only person in the room.
“Boy this part of the tape is a little choppy,” said director.
”That’s from being played over and over again,” chuckled editor.
Here’s what I’d like to do,” director said. “I’d like to take all the other party guests, Tad’s ex-girlfriends and any potential love interest he has and make then the audience”, that way all the opinions are completely stacked against him .”
“I don’t want to see his love interests,
“Caroline, he isn’t going to care if a bunch of random people and his ex-girlfriends don’t like him. He’s a wanker you have to look for something he does care about and show him that his actions will destroy his chances of getting it. The woman from Match in mind is sending us   some extras of course,; but, lets stack the cards against him.

The Reality Show in Tad’s Head – part 2


Caroline’s stomach was filled with anxiety as she raced down the crowed street to the alley where Match in Mind was located. She tried to avoid being stepped on as she was very small. She rode on a man’s shoe for several blocks and then climbed onto a dog for the rest of the journey.

She entered the office to find the woman she had spoken to last week and three tiny men with camera equipment standing around enjoying donuts and coffee.

They all sat down Caroline’s eyes surveyed the motley crew that had been assigned to her. As they could not use names at Mind Match she was told to call them by their jobs.

.There was Director a slim gentleman with thick glasses and wild hair, he looked to be about 25. He wore a Duke Ellington  t-shirt and a baseball cap. He smile at her and said he was looking forward to the project.

Camera man was old and fat. He was wearing what appeared to be pajamas and he slept though most of the meeting.

Editor was a sullen, dark haired man who wore sun glasses and a frown; he glared at Caroline as she described her plans.

I want us to come to him in a dream. It will basically be an edited version of all the terrible things he did to me when we were together. I want to make him believe that something terrible is going to happen to him if he doesn’t apologize to me.

Director laughed, cameraman snored and editor just continued to glare.  The woman  said she thought it was a brilliant idea.

“We’ll need your memory bands”. Editor said coldly. “You should have told us before we shrunk down.

“What do you need my memory bands for?”

“Well, if you want to weigh on is conscious then he has to see things from your perspective as you remember them. I’ll have to take your memory bands from the time you were together, copy them and edit from the copy.”

“Hold still” the woman said to Caroline as she rammed a needle into her Caroline’s  neck.  Caroline felt dizzy and extremely distant. Was looking at what seemed to be a long strand of bubble tape. Editor put it into a contraption o some sort and went onto his lap top. He had to actually jump on the keys to work. It took about an hour to copy everything and email it and put it on a pony drive. He clumsily rolled the tape back up and the woman stuck it back in Caroline’s head.

Caroline had a strange memory of her first bath and her first dentist appointment  mixed together in a disturbing montage.

“So”, the woman said, “are you ready to go in?”

“How are we getting in”? Caroline asked.

“Soup,” Director said.

“I beg your pardon”. Caroline said.

“Don’t be scared honey it’s Gazpacho, its cold.” The woman said.

“He’s going to eat us”? Caroline asked.

“Swallow, not chew. The woman said. “Honey, it’s perfectly safe, I’ve been doing this for years, trust me.”

They were all taken to a restaurant where one Mr. Tad Fendelstein was having lunch, with a friend. They snuck into the kitchen where they shimmied their way into a soup cup. Cameraman had a bit of trouble getting all of his equipment into the bowl with him. A large ladle of tomato soup was thrown on top of them and Caroline sneezed from all the spices.

They were rushed out into the dining room were a harried waiter placed them on the table and dashed away. Caroline looked up. There he was Tad the man who broke her heart three years earlier, She felt a slight pull at her heart as they were lifted up towards the strong jaw of her ex paramour. She attempted to look into his eyes but instead saw straight up into the nostrils which had a disturbing amount of hair in them. She thought she caught a glimpse of Editor looking a her with distain as they were traveling down Tad’s gullet. They landed on top of a large pile of half-digested crackers and some orange seeds which appeared to be growing roots.

“Now what”, Caroline asked.

The reality show in Tad’s head. Part 1


Caroline tiptoed though the alley trying to avoid stepping on the broken glass and used needles that were strewn about. She looked for the address that was written in invisible ink on the fortune cookie. When she found it she knocked on the nobless door. She knocked three times and spun around in six circles.
“Who’s there?” a voice said.
“Census”, Caroline said.
The door swung open and she ran inside.
“Get on the slide”, the voice said.
Caroline looked at the slide.
“But, I didn’t bring my bathing suit.”
“Then, take off your clothes; there are large towels at the bottom.”
Caroline reluctantly complied. She had always been afraid of waterslides and this was a particularly long one. She closed her eyes as she rushed towards the bottom. She was thrown into a hot tub that appeared to be full of bankers having a business meeting; they regarded her nudity with annoyance.
She looked around for the towels and was disappointed to find several large rolls of Bounty. She wrapped herself in them and proceeded to the waiting room where there was an enormous number ticket dispenser. Although she was alone in the room she took a number and sat down. She waited for what seemed like an eternity, when a blonde, heavily made up forty something woman in a business suit came in to the lobby and called her number.
The woman sat down across from Caroline in the small, neatly decorated office.
“So Tell me 42, what brings you to Match in Mind?”
“My name is Car…”
“No! The woman screamed! No names!”
“Sorry…I came here because of my ex-boyfriend.” Caroline said.
“Let me guess, you want revenge?”
“You want him back?”
“Not exactly”, Caroline said beginning to become frustrated with the woman.
“Well what then?”
“Well you said you could get me inside the head of any man.”
“Or your money back”, boasted the woman.
“I want to be his conscience”.
“You mean you want to be on his conscience?”
“No” said Caroline. I am convinced he doesn’t have one I want to be it and bother him until he apologies to me”.
“Ya know sweetie, for the prices we charge … Well I mean we can get you any guy you want. And permanently”
“Not interested.”
“I’m not sure how long something like that would even take.”
“I have time and money”, Caroline said. I will need some assistance.”

“What kind?”  The woman asked.

“A film crew. I’m going to do it in the form of a reality show.”
“Okay, come back next Thursday. We should have everything ready by then.”
The woman handed Caroline her business card alone with a large bag of what appeared to be M & M’s.
“Eat 100 a day. You should notice yourself getting a bit smaller with each passing hour. Be careful on your way over on Thursday, you will be microscopic; you may want to allow for extra time.”