The Complaint (part 24)



Ellen left the apartment very early the next morning, not wanting to run into Kyle. She didn’t even make coffee and she wondered if she was entitled to get a cup from a shop or if she would be expected to pay for it. She still didn’t understand the complicated economic system in Hell.

She walked into a coffee shop and observed the activities for a moment she saw no poker chips change hands. She went up to the counter and ordered a large cup of coffee. The Barista was a woman who had no mouth or nose and could only nod at her order.  She wrote something down on her chalk board.

“Would you like a shot of meth in your coffee?” the board said.

“Um, sure I guess so?” Ellen said assuming it must be legal. The Batista cried as she poured the meth in the coffee. Ellen noticed that the girl had no veins. ‘She must have been a drug addict.” Ellen thought.  As she smiled and took the cup; she couldn’t help that think it was a pretty good punishment.

She drank the coffee on the boat and looked out at the city streets. A head on a wheel rolled by and several pigs kicked it and began an impromptu game of soccer. All of a sudden, Ellen felt a strong urge to jump and join them. She stood up and then sat right back down again realizing she couldn’t just jump off a boat and join in a pig’s soccer game.

She saw a woman with a paper clip for a head and wondered what she was being punished for. She got up again and ran to the other side of the boat as everyone regarded her with puzzlement.

The boat arrived at the office and Ellen got off. She couldn’t wait to get upstairs, a million ideas were racing through her head. She wanted to tell her coworkers about them. As soon as she got upstairs she was called into a meeting. A tall balding man in a nice suit was sitting at the head of the conference room table. Everyone from the punishment department was sitting around the table quietly chit chatting.

“Oh my God, am I late?” she said loudly. They all looked up.

“No, no. You’re right on time, said the man.

Ellen threw her purse on the table and sat down in her chair with an enormous thud.

“So, my name is Ward Pepper and I’m your new supervisor.”

“Hi”, Ellen said with a burp.

Everyone looked at her.

“Um, I thought we’d all go around the room and introduce ourselves. I’m Ward, I’m from Cleveland. I died in a skydiving accident when I was twenty two. I came down here attended HCC where I got my Certificate of Evil, right from there I got a job in the seventh circle as a safety regulator. From there I got a job as a recruiting manager….”

“You mean like for recruiters on earth? You managed the recruiting that goes on, on earth,” Ellen asked loudly.

“Yes,” that’s right”, he replied with discomfort. ”

“Did you ever meet anyone like REALLY, REALLY famous like an a lister, ” she asked fighting the urge to stand up.

“Well, I can’t really say. So anyway. I did that for four years and here I am, why don’t we go around the table and introduce ourselves.”

“I’m Frank Pearson”, a tall thin man said. I died at the hands of a serial killer when I was 23…”

“Oh My God, they kill men. I thought they only killed women,” Ellen sputtered.

“Sometimes they kill men, he said.” I just completed my tenth approved punishment and earned my own apartment. I love Punishment INC.”

An exotic woman in a red dress went next.

My names Pokey, I died when I was 22. I’m originally from Virginia when it was still the colonies when I lived there. I’ve been in punishment planning for a lot of years. I won the Rasputin Award for Creativity in Justice last year.”

Ward looked impressed Ellen rolled her eyes.

A young punker kid with a lot of piercings stood up.

“I’m Kevin, I died in a plane crash back in 83, this is my first week in punishment, I’ve been on the other side of things working in torturer for the last, basically thirty years force feeding rat droppings to salesmen. I’m excited to be here.  “I’m Ellen I died in a mall shouting at the age of 24, like two weeks ago. I just got my second approval. I just found out last night that you can win trips to heaven for exceptional punishments and it is my goal to go to heaven. I’m so really happy to meet you all, I’ve seen you around here but, like I didn’t know anyone’s name and now I do and that’s really awesome. I’m really excited form my next approval. Or even if it isn’t an approval that’s okay because I can learn from it and My first punishment was approved but it wasn’t, but I did learn from it and I just am so excited to EARN that trip to Heaven,” she said in one breath.

There were a few more introductions. Some basic rules were gone over and the meeting was adjourned.

Ellen started toward her desk.

“Hey, Ellen” Pokey said.” You shouldn’t say stuff like that. You have to be really careful.”

“Say stuff like what?”

“Like you want to go to heaven. ”

“Why not? I’m an enthusiastic and ambitious worker.”
“No, I mean if you say stuff like that they’re gonna think you don’t like Hell. You have to be careful what you say, trust me.”

















The Complaint (part 23)




“You mean the mall maniac,” Marvin asked.

“Yeah.” she said looking back towards the store with a mixture of fear and curiosity.

“There’s no way, what are the odds? There are millions of souls in Hell. You know what it is we were talking about it before, you were thinking about it, you saw the at kid back there and it was some kind of PTSD thing.”

” I wanna go back.”

“And do what ask him if he killed you, retaliate or what?

” I wanna know why,” Ellen said weakly.

” What difference does it makes, you’re dead? It’s bygones. What were you shopping for  at the mall, anyway?”

” Oh, I wasn’t I worked at the mall. In a bath store, I really hated it. ”

They walked by a travel agency. There were several advertisements For various Casinos on the third level. A small poster advertising a weekend in Heaven caught Ellen’s eye.

“You can go to Heaven on vacation?”

“If you’re Steve Jobs…”.

It’s that expensive.? Like How many Poker chips does it cost?

“They really just give you the poker chips for little incidentals I don’t think any one gets more than $200 a week. You’ll probably get a few with your next punishment. No, you actually  have to earn a trip to heaven by you know, doing your job really well.

“Working hard for the devil gets you a trip to Heaven?”

” Well, sort of”,  Marvin said. Heaven and Hell are very dependent on one another.  You’ve seen the way the animals come down here to enjoy their rewards. The Glory Train, the trains back to heaven? They take a lot of man power to run. You’ve gotta have the conductor, The porters, and there not ordinary porter either. There’s an interesting punishment for ya… The porters on those trains are former circus trainers. They have to perform all kinds off stunts for the animals and if the animals don’t like it they get to bite them.”

“Huh,” Ellen said, glad that she didn’t take that job she was offered at the zoo.

Once there here They have to have a place to stay and the hotels we have for people who live in Hell would never do for someone from Heaven.  The average luxury hotel down here has an average of a hundred employees and  punishese, : Marvin said.




” I’m surprised  anyone would want to take a vacation in Hell. I thought you’d get anything you want in Heaven.”

“Well, not anything,” he said with a wink. ”  Besides how would you ever know how good you had it if everyone around you had it just as good as you. You have to have a basis of comparison and what better thing to compare your life to than the life of someone in Hell.

What you have to do to get a vacation  heaven is think of a way to make both Heaven and Hell dependent on your product. Or in your case think of a punishment that benefits both heaven and Hell in a sustainable way.

“Are there hotels up there or do people just sleep on clouds?”

” I can’t really say I’ve never been, but I would imagine they have hotels.”

They arrived home. Marvin turned on the and watched a show about the up coming elections. Ellen headed of to bed with her magazines. She again found herself unable to sleep. There was an ominous and familiar sounding grunting coming from Danni’s room. She closed her eyes and tried to think of something else. She wanted to go to Heaven, She tried to think  of the punishment plan that would get her there. She wanted to talk to the convenience store guy as well. She drifted off into an uneasy sleep.









The Complaint (Part 22)




“Ellen, ” Danni said looking slightly amused.

“Hey, Danni”, Ellen said wanting to crawl under a rock.

” So your the new roommate. This is so weird I was just thinking about you. What are the odds?”

” I have no Idea,” Ellen said, wondering if Kyle said anything to Danni.

With this a pot bellied middle aged man entered, Ellen was happy to have a distraction.

” Hi, my name’s Ellen, I’m the new roommate.” She got up and extended a hand.

“I’m Marvin, nice to meet you. ”

Marvin put some water on and sat down.  Danni excused herself, took out her cell phone and went into her room.

“So where do you work Ellen?

“Punishment Planning, how about you?”

Oh, cushy government job, lucky you. I work in torture device manufacturing, but it’s only temporary,” Marvin said sitting down.

“Why’s that?”

“Eh, I wasn’t ever supposed to have been down here in the first place. I was supposed to  have gotten reincarnated by birthright, but there was a mistake, there trying to figure out all the mishegas and once they do I’ll be out of here. ”

“What kind of a mistake?”

“Well, you see to take advantage of my birthright there are all these laws that have to be followed. My yutz of a niece screwed everything up. I was supposed to be buried in twenty four hours and instead it took a week and I was supposed to be buried with my feet facing east and they mucked that up too.”

“But they can fix it?”

“So my lawyer tells me. He goes before a judge next month. He’s a very smart kid. Went to Harvard Law”. In the meanwhile I’m managing the company.

“What did you have to do to get out of the dorms?”

“I was never in them, due to my circumstances I got a level pass.”

Marvin got up to cook his noodles. Ellen suddenly realized she would never see Petunia her pet guinea pig again.

“I went from cancer, how about you?”

“Mall rampage victim, ” Ellen said fighting back tears.

“It’s getting more and more common, ” Marvin said.

After Marvin ate the two roommates took a walk down a diamond tunnel to the convenience store. Ellen was amazed at the enormous variety of porn, magazines, gossip rags and energy drinks available.

She blushed a little as she looked at one  of the many magazines with Christ on the cover. This particular magazine had a story about Christ “saving” one of the Kardashians. “Saving Her for What?” the headline read.

Marvin bought some cigarettes and a candy bar with what appeared to be poker chips.

“I can’t give you any candy, but do you want that magazine,” he said to Ellen.

She nodded sheepishly and handed him the rag. The gawkish adolescent clerk stoically rang it up. There eyes met as he handed her the bag. She realized she knew him from somewhere, but she couldn’t place him.

She and Marvin walked home as they were reaching the door she realized where she had seen the clerk.

“Marvin, I think that clerk might have killed me,”





The Complaint (Part 21)




She focused on the two eyes in the very center of his body. She hoped that they were the correct ones. She stammered a bit as she spoke, wondering what would happen if he did not like her punishment. He stared at her without blinking. He had no nose and a small mouth that did not smile or frown as she spoke. He did not make a single noise or nod his body as she spoke.  When she was finished telling him her plan he sat there for a long moment not saying anything.

He reached over for a form on his desk , stamped it and handed it to her.

“Approved,” it said.

“Oh, thank you,” she said. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Mr. Blodgett just stared straight ahead and yawned a bit.

“Take the paper up to the front desk to get your new allowances,” he said in a loud enthusiastic voice.

As Ellen walked up to the front desk she remembered where she had heard the voice before, It was on an old SNL episode. She chucked a little to herself; Don Pardo was a demon.

The secretary smiled at her and gave her her new allowances. She could now eat any kind of pasta she wanted with either Alfredo or marinara sauce, she was also allowed bread. She was given keys and address to her new apartment on Stalin Street.

She finished up a bit of paperwork and headed downtown on the ferry feeling adventurous and celebratory. She got off the ferry and  went into an establishment that was shaped like a giant cowboy hat. She opened the door to what turned out to be the biggest country bar she had ever seen.  The enormous dance floor was crowded with people and demons. Above the dance floor was a viewing balcony. Ellen looked up and saw the faces of several bulls looking down at her, they all had straps in their mouths .

The dancers did a line dance to the music of a naked country band whose members all had straps attached to their balls. Whenever they tried to stop playing for a moment the bulls would give the strap an enormous yank. Most of them cried as they played which gave the music a soulful quality.

Ellen bellied up to the bar and ordered a Hillbilly Martini which was a potent mix of vodka , Everclear and a squirt of Countrytime lemonade. An olive skinned man sat next too her and ordered a glass of wine.

“You should try the martini,” Ellen said gleefully and ordered a second one.

“Maybe I will, I had a bad day,” He said.

“Why, what happened?”

“Well, I went to Hell.”

“Who didn’t? Is today your first day?”

“No, I’ve been here about a week getting my ‘reward’ this is my first break, I just better not get a hang over, because that is not part off the deal.”

“What punishment did you get?”

“Well, I was told all my life that if I did a certain job I would get certain things and I got them they’re just different than I expected.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, I live in a house with 72 virgins; ugly, fat male virgins. They play video games all day and drive me crazy. I have a maid who talks constantly and will never die, she’s really annoying. I loved olives, It was my favorite food, but now it’s all I eat.”

“Bummer,” said Ellen.

” I’m supposed to be able to drink without a hangover. We’ll see.”

“Good luck, my friend.” Ellen said getting up . She staggered to the dance floor and joined in for a bit Then she walked  to her new residence. She was happy to find that she had a nice room with a view of the river. She sat down to a big plate of spaghetti marinara. She was twirling the last bite around her fork when she heard the door slam.

She looked up to see her new roommate; it was Danni.


The Complaint Part 20



Ellen arrived to work the next morning wired and exhausted. She had  been up all night trying to think of a just punishment  for Casandra. Since she had made fun of those who took her seriously Ellen felt that the punishment should involve public humiliation of some kind.

she thought of making the woman  clean the floor of her fans homes with her hair. She went to to see that this punishment was already in place with someone else. She thought of making her make up poetry in a laughing-stock, sing endless karaoke in a bar full of frat boys and having to dance naked in front of the soul mirror  in front of an audience of failed writers; they were all taken.

She read a couple of Casandra’s books and found them to be nonsense; something anyone could have made up on the fly.

It occurred to Ellen that part of the reason this woman was being punished was because she was successful. There were a million other people in the world who were just as full of shit as she was who had written books giving advice on all kinds of intangible stuff. A million others had written instruction books that were basically just a bunch of common sense. In her short time in Hell Ellen realized she  hadn’t met one single person there that  had failed at the evil they did. Certainly there were many people in the world whose intentions were bad who had for one reason or another not met their goals. where were they? Were they scattered among her co workers. Was there a special place that was reserved for them and were the punishments less or more?

Ellen decided that Casandra should know what it was like to be an unsuccessful bullshitter. She would be made to attend school where all the information she would be fed would be completely false. Because she got where she go by whoring around Ellen decided she would have a mattress strapped to her back. Every time she told a lie the mattress would fall forward crushing her. This would happen often as all the information she would be told would be false. She would have to some how find a way to pay for her enormously expensive tuition at the college which would certainly be difficult given that her nose and teeth were sure to be broken over and over again.

She ran it though the search engine and discovered that it was original. She decided to turn it in and then she realized she had no idea who she was supposed to send it to. Her supervisor had been promoted and no one had replaced her. She walked around the cubes looking for someone who looked like they knew what they were doing. Eventually, she wandered over to the main reception desk. She explained her situation to the receptionist. She was told to return to her desk until someone came to get her.

She wondered if she was in some kind of trouble. She returned to her desk with an enormous knot in her stomach. She surfed the internet and tried to amuse herself with cheap  gossip. She found herself beginning to develop a little crush on Jesus; he had sort of a bad, but sensitive thing going on. She read an article about his cool bachelor pad in heaven. She was looking through pictures of Demons Without Make Up  when a tall thin woman came up to her.



“Mr. Blodgett will see you now.

Ellen was lead down a long corridor to a fancy office with marble floors.

Mr. Blodgett a bright orange demon with a round body and ten eyes sat behind a solid gold desk. He got up to greet her. He introduced himself as the head of the punishment division. Ellen was not sure of which set of eyes to look into as she began to explain the punishment.




The Complaint (Part 19)



“You know I was pretty surprised to end up here. I mean I was a fucking Christian. I went to church every Sunday. I wanna talk to a lawyer because that doesn’t seem right, “Abby said.

“I think it’s based more on behaviors,” Ellen said. “Like if you’re from the Judea Christian culture and you violated the ten commandments repeatedly than you come here.”

“Yeah, but it’s supposed to be that if you followed Christ and gave some of your income to the church you were good to go.”

“Yeah, it’s not really like that,” Ellen said.

“But, I heard that repeatedly.”

“Did you ever get any of that in writing?”

“Um, the Bible is in writing.”

“The Bible is open to interpretation.  I mean did you get a voucher for going to church. Do you have some way of proving what you believed as far as being a Christian?”

“No,” Abby said. “But there must be some sort of a record of it.”

“Why,” Ellen said realizing how crabby she sounded.

“Well, it would only seem logical that if they judging you they had to have a record of your life somewhere.”

“Maybe,” Ellen. “From what I’ve seen everyone comes here but babies and animals. But, yeah if you think you got screwed then look for a lawyer.”

“Do they have internet down here? “

“I have it at work, but I haven’t seen it in the dorms. If you’re working in a bar you might not have it.” Ellen said. She felt bad like a negative Nelly.

“You know, Abby, Christ isn’t exactly perfect himself. You may want to bring that up when you talk to an attorney. I was reading all about him today in this magazine I found at the gym. Apparently he is just always getting in trouble. Mary Magdalene dumped him for Heath Ledger and he started to go out with Lindsay Lohan.  “Everyone said he was just using her to get back at Mary. In fact word has it that he and Mary were hooking up behind Heath and Lindsay’s back.”

“Wait a second, how can Jesus be dating Lindsay Lohan, she’s still alive.”

that’s not true,” Ellen said, excited to share her knew found knowledge. “She died of a heroin overdose a few years back. Satan, Disney and Oprah had a ten year contracted at the time. Some nobody at the Department of Reaping totally screwed up. So they, like covered it up on earth and did some kind of a Frankenstein thing. If you look into her eyes you can tell.”

“Oh yeah, Abby said that would explain her acting and her singing,” Abby said.

“They’re actually doing a reality show about it.” Ellen continued. “I actually feel sorry for Christ. I mean his dad is God and his mom’s a virgin. It was to be so much pressure. Ya know?”

“Yeah, I went to high school with this guy whose dad owned Furniture Factory and he was the same way” Abby said .

“Yeah, if your dad created the earth you could never live up to it.”

“So, like is Marylyn down here? I love her.”

“I don’t know. I assume so. I haven’t been to the movies yet.”

“I was gonna have a tattoo of her on my arm, but..”

“Which one of her movies was your favorite?”

“Oh, I like em all.”

“My favorite was The Quarrel”. Ellen said.

“Yeah that was a really good one”, Abby said.

Ellen smiled a little to herself feeling a bit superior to her contemporaries. She always suspected they were responding to an image.

“We should go to the movies this weekend.” Abby, If they have weekends down here.”

“I don’t know. I’ve been here less than a week, no one has said anything to me, Ellen said wondering if she might be expected to work seven days straight.

Abby excused herself to go to the bathroom and came back looking a bit frightened. Ellen wondered what she had seen in the soul mirror.  She made a note to herself to follow Abby into the bathroom next time so she could get a look for herself.

The two girls watched TV for a while and then Abby took off for work. Ellen looked everywhere in the dorms for Kyle, but he was nowhere to be found. She wondered if he hadn’t gotten his living quarters promotion; maybe the haunting had been successful. She wondered if he was in an apartment, she wondered if it was Danni’s apartment. She wondered if he wasn’t telling Danni what a lameo  she was right about then.

She tried to distract herself with thoughts of work. She thought of what it would be like to eat the same thing and share a bed with up to ten other people for the rest of her life.  She had a found memory of what burgers and fries tasted like and how good it felt to sleep on her old pull out bed. She stared at the ceiling and tried to think of a really good punishment.







The Complaint (part 18)




The ferry stop was crowded with the most unattractive people Ellen had seen since arriving in Hell. A small, thin woman with enormous feet was attempting to tap dance and falling every few seconds. A naked, faceless man walked around the stop handing people blank sheets of paper. A woman with pencils for fingers was having a difficult time of finding change in her purse.

“Goddamn it” the woman sputtered. “Goddamn this punishment. “

“Do you want me to hold your purse for you? Ellen asked.

“No thanks, all I need is to get arrested again. You must be new in town.”

“I’ve been here almost a week, “Ellen said unable to believe that it had only been that long.

“Well, welcome I’d shake your hand but….”

“Can I ask…I mean…” Ellen began.

“I was a Plagiarist.”

“I see,” Ellen said looking down trying to fight a smile. She felt sorry for the woman, but at the same time she liked the punishment.

“So… I mean, not to belittle it or anything, but compared to some of the other punishments people get…I mean, I’m sure it’s very difficult for you. It looks quiet awful in fact, but compared to other punishments…” Ellen stammered.

“I got lucky? I suppose. I did in some ways. The thing is I still have to work and fend for myself. So believe me it’s not so easy as it looks. I’ve been doing this four years. I lost a little weight, that’s the only good thing. You’re just a worker I take?”

“Yeah, yeah I am.”

“Can I ask what kinda work?”

“I’m in punishment planning. I’m just an apprentice.”

“Oh”,, the woman said coldly.

The ferry came. Ellen couldn’t believe how crowded it was or how bad it smelled. She stood squashed between a naked man with a one inch penis and a man with nose hairs so long that they tripped everyone who got on the ferry.

After what seemed an endless ride she arrived at the newbie dorm. Her stomach tightened; what would things be like with Kyle. She entered the kitchen to find a slight blond woman in a hospital gown eating SagettiOHs.

The young woman introduced herself as Abby. She’d died during a routine appendectomy and she had just come from HR. She was to be a bartender in one of the bars downtown and she was having a bite before her first night of work.

Ellen listened with half an ear. She wondered where Kyle was.









The Complaint (part 17)




Ellen opened her file. She was supposed to punish a woman who had been a pathological liar, a narcissist and a bit of a round heal.

Her name was Casandra Consilla   she had lived from 1940 to 2014. She’d attended Northwestern University where she had achieved a very high grade point average by sleeping with a few off her professors. She lived in Evanston, Illinois where she worked as an author of self-help books that were very popular from the late seventies to the early nineties. She wrote Crashing the Glass Ceiling Without Mussing your Blush, in the 70’s  101 Ways to Get Him to Propose  in the 80’s and  Finding Your Spirit Stone in the 90’s. She received grants from N.O.W, The Moral Majority and The Crystal Corp respectively. She padded most of her research and made up half her quotes.

She secretly laughed at the women who bought her books telling her attorney husband what dolts she thought they all were. She appeared on Donahue, Oprah and 20/20.  She paid a publicist to get her an initial following and he paid a few sit coms to make fun of her books.

Ellen ordered a couple of the books to her Kindle and intended to read them over the next few days. She was simply too angry to work. She went up to a random coworker and asked her to lunch.

The coworker looked quiet perplexed as Ellen stuffed SpaghettiOs into her mouth and ranted and raved.

“You know what I hate the most about hell? It’s not the dorms or the food or the fire gym, it’s this thing where they make it seem so easy to get and then they turn out to be impossible to get because everyone is such a liar.”

“Look, keep your voice down, there are security cameras all around. I got out of the dorms after two weeks. You have to make sure to turn your ideas directly into management. Just don’t trust anybody and you’ll be fine.”

Ellen spent the day researching past punishments and paging though Casandra’s books. She couldn’t help but take some of the advice in Crashing the Glass Ceiling to heart. Casandra advised women to go into any meeting knowing a little bit about each of the people she was dealing with.

Ellen went to Punishment INC’s Website and looked at the manager profiles. Each profile showed where the manager had gone to college and what evil he or she had committed on earth. She noticed that everyone had lied and most committed adultery. One man had taken a political bride from a contract company, she wondered how this information could help her.

She went to the gym after work and got on the Stairmaster. The sweat poured in her eyes as the flames from outside liked the glass walls of the room. She thumbed through a Souls magazine as she exercised. There were pictures of Jesus leaving a night club clearly drunk; he was practically falling down as he climbed on his motorbike to ride back to heaven. There was an article written by some popular psychologist saying that Jesus had issues with his father for making him get crucified for a bunch of strangers.

Apparently, Jesus frequented Hell and made more trouble with every visit. Mary Magdalene had broken up with him one week after Heath Ledger’s arrival in Hell and there had been all kinds of speculation. Jesus and Heath had gotten into a loud brawl in the lobby of Hell’s Hilton and it had been all over the news.

Ellen finished her work out and headed towards the ferry stop.

The Complaint (part 16)




“We wouldn’t want to do that,” Ellen laughed.

The woman smiled and walked out of the bathroom. Ellen felt positively giddy.  She staggered back into the bar and plopped herself down in Kyle’s lap, kissing him before she could think about it. He took a large swallow of his drink and kissed her back. They sat kissing for a moment then he took her by the hand and they staggered back to their room, the money swirling around them in the tube on the way home made Ellen feel even dizzier.  

Kyle undressed without even bothering to turn out the lights. In spite of her drunkenness, Ellen was suddenly sharply aware of their physical inequity. She took her skirt off and quickly climbed under the covers. They resumed kissing as he began working his way down she became acutely aware of every single mark on her skin, of every glob of cellulite and the fact of the smallness of her breasts. She wondered if he was comparing her to Danni right around now. She tried to throw in a few moans and groans to appease him and drown out her own insecurity.

“Are you sure you want to do this, love?”

“”Yes”, she stammered. “Why?”

“You’re clenching.” She took a deep breath and tried to relax. She wished she had another drink. She was relieved when he was able to enter her. He ran his hands down her hips and she moaned trying to make up for her lack of curves with unbridled enthusiasm.

He finished gruffly and passed out on top of her. She wriggled out from under him. She stared at the ceiling unable to sleep. At around three am yellow lights began to flash and Kyle got up and dressed silently. He got into the elevator and rode off to what she assumed was his haunting.

A few hours later the alarm went off and she got up to go to work. The boat ride was awkward. Virgil said nothing to her as they road to the office. When they arrived Vigil coldly informed her that this was the last time he could drive her to work. He gave her instructions on where to catch the ferry and he drove off.

Ellen arrived at her desk to find a note from Rhonda.

‘I got promoted, kid. Good luck in all of your endeavors,’ it said.

She wondered who her new boss would be. The boy from the mail room came along and gave her a new file.

“I heard your boss got promoted,” he said.


“Well, she deserved it. I never would have thought of a bully eating his own vomit. It’s disgusting, but very economical, don’t you think?”

“I .. Yes, it is good,” Ellen stammered, thinking better of voicing her outrage.

She sat at her desk for a long moment wondering if she would ever get out of the dorms. She wondered how awkward things would be between her and Kyle that night and for the first time she felt as though she was in Hell.

The Complaint (part 15)




After they finished pummeling the layabouts Kyle and Ellen decided to head upstairs for a drink. Ellen wondered if she was even allowed to have alcohol, but Kyle assured her that all alcohol consumption was encouraged in Hell.

Kyle ordered a Liquid Lust; a combination of strawberry’s oyster juice, rum and Absinthe. It came in an enormous salad bowl sized container. It came with a bowl of black olives. Ellen ordered a Club of Complacency which was a random mixture of ten different shots that the bartender felt like putting into a bowl  of Tang. While they drank and chatted Ellen looked out the window and noticed several pigs walking out of a room marked “baths”.

“Those are the first animals I’ve seen here”, she commented.

“Oh they live upstairs they just have a spa down here, love”, Kyle said. If she didn‘t know better she would have sworn he was playing footsie with her under the table.

“Upstairs, you mean like heaven?”

“Oh yeah, all animals go there. The farm animals have it especially good: great big fields, plenty to eat, massive farmhouses with big beds.”

“That hardly seems fair,” Ellen muttered.

“It was all part of some big class action lawsuit. The animals all got together and sued  mankind for damages. The spa was part of their compensation.

“What’s in the spa,” she asked.

“What isn’t? They have a big restaurant serving all kind of human meat. The workers are all human and they are all chained to tie outs. They give the animals back rubs and facials that sort of thing.”

“Were those pigs…. was that blood on their feet?”

“Oh yeah, that whole deal was taken right from the Bible, Psalm 10:58 “the righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.

Ellen began to feel a bit dizzy from the drink. She was now quit certain that she felt Kyle’s foot sliding up her ankle.  She began to feel excited, but even in her drunken stupor she wondered what he could possibly want with her. He could certainly have any woman he wanted and given the events of the previous night he was not going through a dry spell.

She excused herself and went into the bathroom where she sat on the toilet and tried to brace herself. When she came out of the stall she saw a woman putting on make up at the mirror she approached it with trepidation, but was relieved to see her physical reflection staring back at her. She fixed her hair a bit.

“No soul mirror in here, huh” she slurred to the other woman.

“Oh, no bars are exempt,” they made a law a few years ago, those things were lowering promiscuity levels.”