Adelaide

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Walter saw a short, plump blonde woman who was dressed in jeans and a  Jimmy Hendrix tee shirt, sitting at the bar. She looked just enough like her profile picture, for him to know what it was his date, Adelaide. He smiled and approached her, wondering why chicks put unrealistic pictures of themselves online; what could it lead to but disappointment?

The two greeted one another and ordered drinks. They made a bit of small talk and Walter noticed that she had crooked teeth. He wondered what they felt like. He wondered if he would be able to get a blow job. She wasn’t very interesting, prattling on the way she did about her job. She was a six at most, so he thought his blow job chances were excellent.

It was open mic night and a sultry singer was growling a love song into the microphone. Harold was about to ask Adelaide to dance. It had long been his strategy to take his dates out dancing. It gave him a chance to put his arm around a girls waist, there by getting an idea of their fat to muscle ratio. If she was acceptable, he would simply keep his arm around her for the rest of the night.

Just as he was about to ask for a dance, a stand-up comedian took to the stage. Harold rolled his eyes and smiled at Adelaide. He hoped there would be music again soon. At least this would give her a reason to shut up.

“So, I’m glad to be here because you get a free sandwich when you perform. It’s better then what I ate for lunch, which was nothing. I ate nothing for lunch. I’m just super broke right now and I’ve been eating little things around the house that aren’t even food. I had a cheese and birthday candle sandwich this afternoon.”

“Hey, get off stage,” a man in back yelled.

“Hey thanks, that helps. Ohh well, I’ll tell my girlfriend about that. I’m dating a therapist. I think I may be just a specimen to her…”

Suddenly, the comedian chocked and fell on the floor clutching his throat. Adelaide, rushed to the stage along with several other people. A heckler had thrown his shot glass at the comic and the shot glass had gone right into the comic’s mouth. The object was blocking his air passages and he needed to be rushed to the hospital. He only had a driver’s license on him and, no one knew how to contact his family. Adelaide agreed to ride with him. She left a confused looking Harold back at the bar. He thumbed through Tinder as the ambulance drove away.

Adelaide rode with the comedian in the back of the ambulance. Tears rolled down the man’s face as they flew down the street. The paramedics had inserted a tube in the man’s mouth and they were helping him to breath.

The comedian wondered at the identity of the plump blonde stranger. Did she work at that place, or was she just a patron? What had she been doing there alone? His mind raced as they reached the emergency room doors. He was rushed down the hall and into an operating room. Adelaide reluctantly signed for him. The doctors thanked her as the disappeared though the OR doors.

Adelaide headed down to the cafeteria where she ordered coffee and a sandwich. She stared out the window looking at the traffic on the highway. After a moment a young man took a seat at the table right next to her. He glanced around nervously.

“Hi there,” he said.

“Hello.”

“How’s your day going?”

“Well, it’s a little weird, I….”

“Yeah, I know how you feel. Today is the first day of my internship. I’m a doctor.”

“Oh, wow congratulations.”

“Thanks, yeah. I’m just in the ER for now, but I eventually want to be a gynecologist.”

“Oh, that’s nice. I guess it’s a very stable specialty; people keep having babies.”

“Well, yeah that’s true. But I’m mostly interested because I like vaginas.”

“Oh, uh..”

“I’m not sure what it is about them, but I like looking at them and sticking my hand in them. I like looking inside of them.”

“What do you think it is that caused that?”

“I’m not sure, maybe my mother had an especially easy birth or something.”

“What is it you like about them?”

“I like everything about them; the way they look taste and smell. Mostly though it is the way they look. They look like so many wonderful things; the inside of a strawberry, a pitted peach. The first imprint a knife makes in a jar of peanut butter, a walnut!

Adelaide jumped across the table and kissed the young doctor.

“What are you doing,” he screamed, leaping to his feet.

“I…um.”

“You think just because I tell you I like vaginas it’s okay to kiss me?”

“Well I mean you…”

“Never talk to me again.”

The doctor got up and left. Amanda quietly ate her sandwich. When she was done she caught a cab back to the bar where she found a very drunk Walter looking at his phone.

“Chunkarella! How’s it going? As you can see, I had no trouble finding a replacement for you.” He gestured to the empty barstool next to him. “Clair, meet Adelaide.”

Adelaide looked at the empty stool and smiled.

“Yeah, I got a date with her like five minutes after you left. We had a few and then we hooked up in the bathroom. I couldn’t resist her, because she actually looked like her profile picture.”

Adelaide ordered a drink and sat down on the other side of Harold. She asked Clair, where she was from, only to get no response.

“Doesn’t she talk?”

“Not to you.”

“H’mm, okay.”

“Did that guy…was he okay?”

“I have no idea.”

“Hey, Clair, tell me something. How do you stay so thin?”

“Look, she doesn’t want to talk to you,” he screamed. “We’re going home now.”

“Fine, it was nice to meet you.”

Harold watched Adelaide leave again. He turned to Clair and kissed her long and hard, to the sounds of horrible laughter.

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