The Complaint (Part 21)




She focused on the two eyes in the very center of his body. She hoped that they were the correct ones. She stammered a bit as she spoke, wondering what would happen if he did not like her punishment. He stared at her without blinking. He had no nose and a small mouth that did not smile or frown as she spoke. He did not make a single noise or nod his body as she spoke.  When she was finished telling him her plan he sat there for a long moment not saying anything.

He reached over for a form on his desk , stamped it and handed it to her.

“Approved,” it said.

“Oh, thank you,” she said. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Mr. Blodgett just stared straight ahead and yawned a bit.

“Take the paper up to the front desk to get your new allowances,” he said in a loud enthusiastic voice.

As Ellen walked up to the front desk she remembered where she had heard the voice before, It was on an old SNL episode. She chucked a little to herself; Don Pardo was a demon.

The secretary smiled at her and gave her her new allowances. She could now eat any kind of pasta she wanted with either Alfredo or marinara sauce, she was also allowed bread. She was given keys and address to her new apartment on Stalin Street.

She finished up a bit of paperwork and headed downtown on the ferry feeling adventurous and celebratory. She got off the ferry and  went into an establishment that was shaped like a giant cowboy hat. She opened the door to what turned out to be the biggest country bar she had ever seen.  The enormous dance floor was crowded with people and demons. Above the dance floor was a viewing balcony. Ellen looked up and saw the faces of several bulls looking down at her, they all had straps in their mouths .

The dancers did a line dance to the music of a naked country band whose members all had straps attached to their balls. Whenever they tried to stop playing for a moment the bulls would give the strap an enormous yank. Most of them cried as they played which gave the music a soulful quality.

Ellen bellied up to the bar and ordered a Hillbilly Martini which was a potent mix of vodka , Everclear and a squirt of Countrytime lemonade. An olive skinned man sat next too her and ordered a glass of wine.

“You should try the martini,” Ellen said gleefully and ordered a second one.

“Maybe I will, I had a bad day,” He said.

“Why, what happened?”

“Well, I went to Hell.”

“Who didn’t? Is today your first day?”

“No, I’ve been here about a week getting my ‘reward’ this is my first break, I just better not get a hang over, because that is not part off the deal.”

“What punishment did you get?”

“Well, I was told all my life that if I did a certain job I would get certain things and I got them they’re just different than I expected.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, I live in a house with 72 virgins; ugly, fat male virgins. They play video games all day and drive me crazy. I have a maid who talks constantly and will never die, she’s really annoying. I loved olives, It was my favorite food, but now it’s all I eat.”

“Bummer,” said Ellen.

” I’m supposed to be able to drink without a hangover. We’ll see.”

“Good luck, my friend.” Ellen said getting up . She staggered to the dance floor and joined in for a bit Then she walked  to her new residence. She was happy to find that she had a nice room with a view of the river. She sat down to a big plate of spaghetti marinara. She was twirling the last bite around her fork when she heard the door slam.

She looked up to see her new roommate; it was Danni.