The Complaint (part 17)




Ellen opened her file. She was supposed to punish a woman who had been a pathological liar, a narcissist and a bit of a round heal.

Her name was Casandra Consilla   she had lived from 1940 to 2014. She’d attended Northwestern University where she had achieved a very high grade point average by sleeping with a few off her professors. She lived in Evanston, Illinois where she worked as an author of self-help books that were very popular from the late seventies to the early nineties. She wrote Crashing the Glass Ceiling Without Mussing your Blush, in the 70’s  101 Ways to Get Him to Propose  in the 80’s and  Finding Your Spirit Stone in the 90’s. She received grants from N.O.W, The Moral Majority and The Crystal Corp respectively. She padded most of her research and made up half her quotes.

She secretly laughed at the women who bought her books telling her attorney husband what dolts she thought they all were. She appeared on Donahue, Oprah and 20/20.  She paid a publicist to get her an initial following and he paid a few sit coms to make fun of her books.

Ellen ordered a couple of the books to her Kindle and intended to read them over the next few days. She was simply too angry to work. She went up to a random coworker and asked her to lunch.

The coworker looked quiet perplexed as Ellen stuffed SpaghettiOs into her mouth and ranted and raved.

“You know what I hate the most about hell? It’s not the dorms or the food or the fire gym, it’s this thing where they make it seem so easy to get and then they turn out to be impossible to get because everyone is such a liar.”

“Look, keep your voice down, there are security cameras all around. I got out of the dorms after two weeks. You have to make sure to turn your ideas directly into management. Just don’t trust anybody and you’ll be fine.”

Ellen spent the day researching past punishments and paging though Casandra’s books. She couldn’t help but take some of the advice in Crashing the Glass Ceiling to heart. Casandra advised women to go into any meeting knowing a little bit about each of the people she was dealing with.

Ellen went to Punishment INC’s Website and looked at the manager profiles. Each profile showed where the manager had gone to college and what evil he or she had committed on earth. She noticed that everyone had lied and most committed adultery. One man had taken a political bride from a contract company, she wondered how this information could help her.

She went to the gym after work and got on the Stairmaster. The sweat poured in her eyes as the flames from outside liked the glass walls of the room. She thumbed through a Souls magazine as she exercised. There were pictures of Jesus leaving a night club clearly drunk; he was practically falling down as he climbed on his motorbike to ride back to heaven. There was an article written by some popular psychologist saying that Jesus had issues with his father for making him get crucified for a bunch of strangers.

Apparently, Jesus frequented Hell and made more trouble with every visit. Mary Magdalene had broken up with him one week after Heath Ledger’s arrival in Hell and there had been all kinds of speculation. Jesus and Heath had gotten into a loud brawl in the lobby of Hell’s Hilton and it had been all over the news.

Ellen finished her work out and headed towards the ferry stop.