The Complaint (part 8)


“So, how did you die,” she asked in between slurps.
“I was shot by a jealous ex-girlfriend, I’m afraid.”
“Did you deserve it,” she asked shocked at her own vibrato.
“I suppose I wasn’t so terribly attentive when we were going out. The thing is she stalked me for six months after we broke up and shot me early in the morning when I was leaving another girl’s apartment It made the papers, so I guess I wasn’t just another tree falling in the forest.”
“Wait a second, are you that actor who played the brother in A Gentleman’s Diary”?
“Yes, Kyle McCrady.”
“It said in the paper that you had a film that was coming out that you were staring in. All the headlines said you were the next big thing.”
“Yeah, that’s what they were saying,” He said rather wistfully.
“So, I mean how did you…well, are you under twenty five as well?”
“Oh no I’m thirty,” he said.
“Well, then how did you get a job instead of a punishment, were you just a really good guy? ”
“I worked out a special deal when I was 15. I was always sort of an awkward kid, skinny, pimply. My family moved to LA from London when I was 15. I went to Beverly Hills High. I was surrounded by pretty people all the time. One day I ditched school and went for a long walk up Hollywood Blvd. I stopped at this Thai place right near the Vibe Hostel and there was this really pretty woman at the next table. We got to talking and she ordered a rum and Coke and I ordered a Coke and we pulled the old switcheroo. Eventually, after four or five drinks we went back to her room at the Vibe where I lost my virginity in a round bed with neon sheets. When we were finished she told me that I could have everything I ever wanted for fifteen years if I would just agree to having a certain job after death.
Well, when you’re fifteen, fifteen years seems like a lifetime, plus I figured she was full of malarkey. So she gave me these pills to take every morning for thirty days. I figured they were sugar or something fun. I took them every morning and over the course of a few mouths I began to gain muscle, my grades improved, my skin cleared up. I had my first girlfriend and I began to get modeling jobs.
When I turned 18 I began to get commercials and guest starring roles in films. At twenty one I tended bar on Hollywood Blvd and, I met all kinds of interesting people there. I began to get small parts in major films. I was with the kind of women most men only dream about and they actually approached me. I got bigger roles and quit my bartending gig. When I was 28 we filmed On the Outside; which was my first big starring role. The release date kept getting pushed back; nobody thought it would make any money. I thought it would go straight to video.
“Really,” Ellen asked. The way they were talking about it on TV, I thought it was going to be a huge hit.”
“Well, know it will be, now that I’m dead. They modeled there plan for me after James Dean and Heath Ledger . I’m a legend of male sexuality and unrealized potential.”
“So, what kind of job do you have down here.”
“I’m a ghost. I haunt young actors and encourage them to participate in all sorts of garbage. I’ve already gotten two o tem to be on reality TV; one more and I move up to the next level. “

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