Dogma And Diarrhea (My Life In Customer Service)

Some of you may have wondered what it is I do for a living. What sort of work could possibly leave a person so desperate for attention. What could possibly make someone so bitter? Well, even if you haven’t been wondering I’m going to tell you because it is Saturday night and that’s how I roll. I work as a call center customer service representative. Those readers who have never worked in a call center may wonder what makes it so horrible; after all it pays decently, is in of doors and doesn’t require any heavy lifting. Why then do call centers have the enormous turnover rate that they do? Is it the headsets that make you feel you are chained to your desk? Is it the tiny backless cube that lets anyone who happens along see what websites you are visiting. While those things aren’t selling points let’s just say that people who need people are not necessarily the luckiest people in the world, but they can be the most irritating, frustrating and stupid.

I am contractually forbidden from saying anything about my actual workplace on the internet. They made us all sign agreements forbidding us from mentioning the fine, upstanding and professional things that go on there. However, I can tell you that I spend a good deal of my day discussing fecal material with Jesus freaks. (yep.) I have worked in call centers for a total of about ten years during the course of my colorful career path. I have noticed seven distinctive personality types that plague the ears and nerves of CSR’s all over the world.

1. THE MORON:

The moron is indigenous to North America, South America, Central America, Asia, Europe, Africa, and Australia. There are no known morons in Antarctica as they tend to be too stupid to zip up a jacket without instructions. Morons are a subspecies of Homosapien. They will ask the same question over and over again expecting a different answer. If you tell them the need a Phillips-head screwdriver they will ask you what that is. If you tell them that an apartment is spacious they will ask you what spacious means. They couldn’t find there way out of their own butt if they had a GPS that they would be unable to program anyway.

2. THEFUCKINMORON:

The fuckingmoron is unique is that he will blame you for his stupidity. When you try to answer the question he has asked he will talk over you by asking the same question again. He will then proceed to get mad at you for arguing with him. When you try to explain something to him he will tell you, you are talking to fast. If you slow down he will tell you your are talking to slow. I would say he has his head up his butt but it’s actually stuck in the hole in the ground he got it mixed up with. Unfortunately, he can still reach his phone and he is never gonna let you go.

3. THEJESUSMOTHERFUCKINGMORON:

This moron is a mutation of the Fuckinmoron. Exposure to the television it constantly watches has caused the death of its brain cells and the widening of its mouth. He will not only ask you the same question fifty times in exactly the same way: he will be having an argument with his wife while he is talking to you. He won’t understand anything you say and will get mad at you for his stupidity. The Jesusmotherfucking moron is a wonder of nature in that it is impossible to believe he has lived to an age where he can dial a phone and have his very own debit card with enough money on it to buy something from you. He can be seen driving the wrong way down a one way street or standing in front of a moving escalator and trying to figure out what the buttons on his cell phone are for.

4. MOLASSES MOUTH:

This customer speaks very, very slowly. They have a special ability to make a CSR want to crawl out of his own skin and beat them to death with a hammer. They enjoy discussing the consistency of their bowel movements and their various intestinal conditions in slow painstaking detail. There voices get into the blood stream of the CSR and seep slowly and maddeningly towards the nerves where they have the effect of so many elephants bouncing up and down on pogo sticks. They have been know to induce thoughts of suicide in otherwise normal CSR’s.

5. THE PREACHER:

Did you know the Lord Jesus Christ came to save us all from Satan’s power? The preacher does and he wants to tell you about it. It is true that in this country people are dangerously uninformed about Christianity. It’s not like we here about it on the bus, on TV and on every street corner in town. He will ask a CSR about his or her own religious beliefs and if the CSR complains he will be ostracized from the call center society as the vast majority of a CSR’s coworkers believe in The Word and enjoy talking about it whenever they are not shooting out illegitimate children, pulling a disability scam or getting drunk.

6. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD:

This customer spends most of his day on the phone or in retail stores demonstrating his keen reasoning and manipulation skills to those who are forced to listen to him. If you don’t do his bidding he will sue you; he know lawyers. If you give him a free product he will use is influence to get other people to buy your product. If he is told this cannot be done and he has to actually buy the product he will threaten to use his influence in the media to besmirch the reputation of your company. When he realizes you are not going to give him anything for free he will explain that he is having a cash flow problem and will pays as soon as he receives the product. He works in a call center also, but someday he will be famous and you’ll be sorry then.

7. THE FRIENDLESS BLABBERMOUTH:

This customer will tell you every single detail of his life in one long unending breath. If he wants to order a health product he will tell you every medical problem he has ever had in his life leading up to his decision to call you. If he is looking for an apartment he will tell you the details of the screaming kids who live in his current building, the crime rate or the break up with the one person who was stupid enough to have lived with him. If he is ordering a food product he will somehow work the conversation around to his disgusting sex life, which he is making up anyway. He knows his listener doesn’t care and he knows there is nothing they can do about it. A CSR could kill him and no one would find out about it. I mean, Really! If you have no friends and you need to ramble on and on about a subject no one cares about, get a blog!

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